DON'T PANIC

A Knock For The Ages

2009-11-06T00:35:00.004-06:00

A nudge here,a nudge there

Would have gotten us nowhere

351 we needed to chase

And only 300 to face

He walked out with the marauder from Najafgarh

And played second fiddle

Singles and doubles would do just fine

While Sehwag was clearing the line

The crowd chanted his name

They wanted 17k, screw the game

A flick off the hips for run #7

God had taken a break from heaven

The wickets soon started to fall

A big target left to overhaul

He picked up the pace

To put the scowl back on Ponting's face

Nathan Hauritz came in and tossed a few

And that was his cue

To dance down the track

And give the ball a royal thwack

Up went the bat and the helmet

Ton #45, against him who would bet?

The master was turning back the clock

Not yet over was this knock

He swept the ball fine

No fielder could shout 'Mine!'

Victory was in sight

The game was ours, right?

In came McKay and bowled a slower one

Hauritz caught it, the genius was outdone

One by one, everyone fell

The clock had been turned back, you could tell

We fell 3 runs short

And the Aussies we couldn't thwart

It turned out to be the matter of one wicket

Of the guy who's the reason we love our Cricket.

Image Courtesy: Cricinfo

In and Out

2009-10-15T14:58:00.000-05:00

Originally published on Nazar.

Rahul Dravid was dropped from India’s One Day International (ODI) cricket team in 2007. He must have always felt that he was good enough to don the Indian blues again, and that’s how champion players think, but even he would not have realistically thought that the selectors would recall him. India won the World T20 Championship in 2008 and the initial successes of Indian cricket’s newer players, such as Suresh Raina, Yusuf Pathan and Rohit Sharma, suggested that the door was effectively shut on the old-timers like Dravid. Or so we, and probably Dravid too, thought.

Indian cricket’s perennial fallibility against short pitched bowling came to the fore in the 2009 edition of the World T20 Championship, and in the tour to the West Indies following that. Rohit Sharma flopped, Raina looked awkward against a rising ball and the Indian middle order seemed to depend too much on their captain, MS Dhoni, to bail them out. The selectors, headed by Kris Srikkhant, had to address this and quite surprisingly, the person they turned to was Dravid. It was surprising because it went completely against the selectors’ policy of building an Indian team for the future. There was no doubting Dravid’s form - he had stamped his class, amidst the power-hitting players, in the IPL this year. But were the selectors looking at a bigger picture, or was this just a stop gap measure to strengthen a team short on confidence and bereft of an injured Virender Sehwag?

It’s clear now that it was the latter. Rahul Dravid has been dropped from the squad facing Australia later this month, in spite of performing well on his return to the team. He proved to be a calming influence in the batting line-up and did what was expected of him. Now, he finds himself left behind, for no fault of his. Virat Kohli has taken his place. So does this mean that the young brigade of Indian cricketers are now ready to take on world cricket’s best bowlers? What’s changed in the past month? The fact that the selectors aren’t even allowed to explain their reasoning to the public hardly helps. Their thought process comes across as muddled.

Three months ago, Rahul Dravid knew his place in the Indian cricket set-up. His days in the ODI cricket team were behind him and he was focusing on his Test career. Deservedly called back to strengthen the 50 over outfit, he’s now been tossed aside in order to give Kohli a chance. Yes, it is necessary to make tough decisions in sport and building a team for the future involves letting go of the greats who once held the team together. But the selectors have to understand that they are dealing with people here, not just names on a piece of paper. Sportsmen are passionate people and the very best do not give an inch to the opposition. They practice extremely hard to better their game and Dravid is a model of discipline. To toy with a man like that by reviving a dead ODI career and killing it almost immediately for reasons that have little to do with merit is plain wrong - and hurtful.

Rahul Dravid’s not a man of many words. He inspires with his calm and poise, and prefers to let his bat do the talking. He’s not controversial like a Ganguly or worshiped like a Tendulkar. And, unfortunately, that’s why this indignity meted out to Dravid will be forgotten soon.

India, This Past Fortnight (VI)

2009-07-05T22:45:00.001-05:00

Originally published on Nazar on July 5th, 2009.

Mayawati, the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, recently unveiled 15 statues in the capital city of Lucknow. The kicker, though, is that two of the statues were of Mayawati. Mayawati provided much-needed rationale for this move, though. She claimed that statues of eminent personalities provide inspiration to societies¹.

On behalf of all other narcissists in the world, we have a winner!

As expected, opposition parties had issues with Mayawati using the state’s money to immortalize herself in stone. According to The Hindu, Akhilesh Yadav, a member of the Samajwadi party, said that he would mourn for the statues of Mayawati since according to Hindu tradition, only statues of dead persons are installed².

Playing the Hindu tradition card is like playing the Joker card in Rummy - it’s whatever you want it to be.

Senior BJP leader Jaswant Singh wrote a letter to his party that found its way into the media’s hands. BJP’s general secretary, Vinay Katiyar, questioned Singh about the leakage of his letter to the media. The offended Singh responded that he was not answerable to anybody³.

I agree. Accountability goes against an Indian politician’s moral code.

In 1996, Raj Thackeray, who was then part of the Shiv Sena, had organized a Michael Jackson concert in India. This move received plenty of criticism from political opponents. However, Thackeray did not feel that organizing the concert would be “a political liability”. He explains, “Hitler, for all his faults, did resurrect Germany. Similarly, I look at him (Michael Jackson) as a great dancer, singer and composer who had a social message in his songs^“4.. Thackeray then played down the Holocaust, saying that it helped shape world history.

You believed that last line, didn’t you?

A producer in Bollywood aims to use the alleged rape incident involving actor Shiney Ahuja to publicize his forthcoming movie. The movie is about actors struggling to handle their success in the film industry, and is titled ‘Chamak - The Shyning’⁵.

No, that is not a typo.

In a landmark ruling, the Delhi High Court has legalized gay sex. There are a few Indians, however, who are not overjoyed to hear about this new ruling. Dr. P.V Cherian, from Chennai, said, “I think homosexuality is a sickness affecting men and women^“6.

Brilliant diagnosis there, Doctor.

Rakhi Sawant, the ‘actress’ famous for being loud and annoying, is part of a new reality show where she will find herself a husband from a pool of 16 candidates. When asked about what she expects from a potential husband, she said, “He shouldn’t look at using me as a ladder for his career^“7.

Right, I’m sure it’s your personality that’s attracted these men to the show.

She is, however, confident that she will be able to find the man for her through this show. “Yes. I am sure I will get the right man. I am a self-made individual. I have taken all my decisions myself till now. I have been successful because of my choices in life. Rest, I have left to God”⁸.

When questioned, God said “Hey, leave me out of this”.

To read more ‘India, This Past Fortnight’, click here.

Footnotes:

1 -http://www.hindu.com/2009/06/27/stories/2009062760151600.htm

2 - http://www.hindu.com/2009/06/26/stories/2009062660931200.htm

3 - http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/002200906200330.htm

4 - http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Bollywood/I-was-Jackos-fan-Raj-Thackeray/articleshow/4709158.cms

5 - http://www.samaylive.com/news/soon-a-film-on-ahuja-episode/636867.html

6 - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8130737.stm

7 - http://www.screenindia.com/news/the-bride-is-ready/483226/

8 - http://www.samaylive.com/news/i-am-sure-i-will-find-the-right-man/635497.html

Photo Courtesy

RIP MJ

2009-06-25T17:26:00.003-05:00

I was 3 years old when I saw the 'Black or White' music video. It was my first favourite song.

I was 4 years old when I saw his amazing SuperBowl performance. I remember sitting in front of the TV, watching wide eyed as he catapulted on to the stage amidst fireworks.

I was 5 years old when I made my mom buy me an uncomfortable pair of black shoes so that I could imitate his moves.

I was 6 years old when I begged my mom to take me to watch Free Willy. 'Will you be there' was a big reason.

I'm 20 years old, and I'm still a fan.

RIP, Michael Jackson.

In my sixth semester, I

2009-06-16T01:15:00.004-05:00

1) Went for a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up that took place at my college. I bought my ticket late which meant that I had to sit five rows behind my friends in the top most gallery of the auditorium. But it was Seinfeld on stage, and even though I could only see his bald spot from where I was sitting, it was Seinfeld on stage!

2) Drove down the Pacific Coast Highway. Best drive, yet.

3) Scored my first ever 6 in any kind of professional Cricket game. The ball was short, I swiveled and pulled the ball over deep square leg. It's true - you know it's a 6 when you hit it.

4) Went on my first photo walk. One of those rare Friday afternoons when the weather was just perfect and there was no programming to do.

5) Walked 22 blocks at 2 in the morning. That night also involved watching a friend do 'The Stanky Leg' in front of The Texas Capitol. Good fun.

6) Started writing a fortnightly humour column for Nazar called 'India, This Past Fortnight'. Pramod Muthalik and men of his ilk made my job very easy.

7) Sang a song in Spanish in front of my Spanish class. It was set to the tune of 'You Found Me' by The Fray and it was dedicated to my profe, Carlos.

8) Played Carrom after ages and realized soon enough that smack talk works only if you've still got enough game to pocket a few. Blaming the poor quality of the Johnson's Baby Powder, however, is still a good plan B.

9) Finally threw out the futon that I had been using as my bed for the past two years. I found an un-used cell phone, plenty of Crocin and leaves underneath my bed. A good day, overall.

10) Got my very own helium balloon for the first time. I had seen other kids play with helium balloons when I was young, but I finally got my own at the age of 20. It made up for the loss on the Cricket field that day.

11) Spent too much money at Starbucks. Their latte works wonders and the coffee cake is just brilliant. I wonder if my favourite 'Tall Mocha Frappucino - double blended' will one day have the same ring to it as a 'Martini - shaken, not stirred'.

12) Made a Turing award winner wait in line behind me as I washed my hands. There's a sudden thrill when you look up at the mirror and see a Turing award winner standing behind you.

13) Finally had to get glasses. I realized my eye sight was no longer God-like when I was the only person in class who thought that the professor wrote funny.

14) Wrote a song about The Hoa Hoa lady. Hoa Hoa is a restaurant on campus and the pretty lady behind the counter usually never smiles at me or my friend when we order. Yes, we were just as baffled as you are right now. But on one beautiful, wonderful day - a day when birds were chirping and babies were laughing - she smiled at me as I ordered my Green Bean Tofu. And, thus was born 'Oh She Smiled' *

15) Thought it would be a good idea to gift my friend a pair of pink underwear with Muthalik's name on it for her birthday. Standing in line to pay for a pair of pink underwear in the women's section, however, can be a tad awkward. Just a tad.

Other awesome reads:
In my fifth semester, I
In my fourth semester, I
Things I did in my third semester
Things I did in my second semester
Things I did in my first semester

*Might need to be my facebook friend to see the video.

Not too short, please?

2009-06-07T13:58:00.005-05:00

"Hmmm, so I kinda want my hair to look just like it's looking now. But neater, like a trim?"

"So I use number 3?"

"No, use scissors. But you know, keep it long but not as long as it is now. Shorter on the sides but not so much on the top."

"...Eh"

"You know, let it be the same way it is now. Just shorter. But not too much, please."

(after 5 seconds of silence)"Where are your parents?"

"In India..."

"Ohhh... So you're on your own here? "

"Yea."

"How old are you?"

"20"

"Noooo.... You are 20?"

"Yes, I am 20. So, when you cut my hair please make sure it's not short?"

"Noooo, you're not 20.You look like you're 14, haha"

Once again, haircut FAIL.

India, This Past Fortnight (V)

2009-04-21T14:20:00.003-05:00

Originally published on Nazar on April 20, 2009. And here's a link to another article called 'The Great Indian Soap Opera Generator' that I wrote with a friend for Nazar.

I believe that it has now become necessary for Universities around the world to have a ‘Shoe Throwing 101′ class for Journalism majors. Recently, a reporter called Jarnail Singh threw his shoe at Indian Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, only to miss his intended target. While reading an article about this incident on the BBC website¹, I came across this gem: “Correspondents say that the minister is the latest in a prominent line of world leaders who have been subjected to a shoe attack - considered an insult in India.”

Yes, as opposed to England, where throwing a shoe at someone is equivalent to saying “Jolly good!”

The Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP) Prime Ministerial Candidate, Mr. L.K. Advani, has challenged the current Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh, to a debate ahead of the Lok Sabha elections. Dr. Singh had this to say in response, “I am the candidate from the Congress party. Why should I confer the status of an alternative Prime Minister on Advani?”²

So that we can figure out which candidate is bad and which one is worse.

Head of the AIADMK³, Ms. Jayalalitha, when asked about which parties she would align with, said “A good politician never rules out anything”⁴.

And I thought ‘good politician’ was an oxymoron.

Speaking of morons, a self acclaimed ’social worker’ called Anil Nair filed a police complaint against actor Akshay Kumar and his wife Twinkle Khanna following Kumar’s stint at the Lakme Fashion Week. As a part of the act on the ramp, Twinkle Khanna had unbuttoned Kumar’s jeans and Nair felt that this act was obscene and vulgar.⁵

Why are there so many Indian social workers with an inner ‘Muthalik’ in them?

Mulayam Singh Yadav of the Samajwadi party, while explaining the reason his party had included ‘non-compulsion of English’ in its manifesto, said, “Decades ago, children used to call their mother ‘Amma’, which later changed to just ‘Maa’. However with influence of English increasing in our daily life, today kids prefer calling their mothers as ‘Mum’ or ‘Mom’. What kind of culture we are getting into? It is because of this cultural degeneration that we emphasised not to make English compulsory.”⁶

Thanks for the clarification, Mulayam. Henceforth, I’ll just call you an idiot, in a regional language.

Arjun Singh, a veteran Congress politician, was upset when he found out that his children were denied tickets by the Congress party to contest in the Lok Sabha elections. When he was asked if he was slighted by this move by his party, his response was, “I am not slighted. Slighted is a word that somehow does not appeal to me”⁷.

Slighted doesn’t sound nearly as appealing as nepotism.

Recently, the shooting of a Malayalam movie called ‘Daddy Cool’ was disrupted.⁸

I was disappointed to find out that the movie’s title had nothing to do with it.

To read more ‘India, This Past Fortnight’, click here.

Footnotes:
1 - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7987201.stm
2 - http://www.hindu.com/2009/04/14/stories/2009041458040100.htm
3 - AIADMK is a political party in Tamil Nadu
4 - http://www.hindu.com/2009/04/15/stories/2009041556021300.htm
5 - http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/entertainment/view/420384/1/.html
6 - http://www.expressindia.com/latest-news/no-ban-on-english-nothing-compulsory-either-mulayam/446713/
7 - http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/News/PoliticsNation/Congress-advises-Arjun-Singh-to-read-Gita/articleshow/4427786.cms
8 - http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/009200904202021.htm

Photo Courtesy: Al Jazeera English, Wikipedia

Mi Familia

2009-04-06T18:06:00.003-05:00

What do you do when you forget to take with you a picture of your family for a Spanish class assignment?

Show off your kindergarten drawing skills.

India, This Past Fortnight (IV)

2009-04-05T19:37:00.003-05:00

Originally published on Nazar (http://NazarOnline.net) on April 5th. Click here to see it on Nazar (it comes with pictures (which I'm too lazy to put here)).

The star of ground-breaking movies such as Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai, Khushi and Chup Chup Ke, Kareena Kapoor, recently said “I’d go on a holiday than do a bad film”¹.

Donations for the ‘Kareena-Please-Go-On-A-Holiday Fund’ are now being collected.

The soon-to-be released economy car, the Tata Nano, has captured the imagination of Indians of all ages. A 96 year old Indian woman, Homi Vyayarwalla, was quoted as saying, “Given my age and weakness, I need a simple vehicle. The car looks easy to drive and comfortable to travel in, which is what people want in my age”².

Well, compared to her first car (pictured below), the Nano must be quite a tempting buy.

The Indian Premier League (IPL), touted to be second in importance only to world peace, has been shifted to South Africa. Indian Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, couldn’t guarantee sufficient security arrangements due to the IPL coinciding with India’s general elections. Arun Jaitley, of the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), has called this development “shameful”³. He also hit out on the Home Minister, saying “Chidambaram has one and half months left in his hand, so he should concentrate more on his job”.

Mr. Jaitley, looking out for the nation’s security is his job.

The general Lok Sabha elections are fast approaching in India, and as a result, this is the season for WTF lines from men and women masquerading as half-baked politicians. Mulayam Singh Yadav, of the Samajwadi Party, was recently incensed when a District Magistrate canceled the gun licenses of many of his party workers. He said in a rally, “I am not saying anything to you Madam DM, because you are a woman. I respect you because you are a woman. Better behave yourself.”⁴

Before you jump to any conclusions, he’s insulting her solely out of the respect he has for her womanhood.

The Election Commission in India, responsible for ensuring fairness in the election process, has disallowed the BJP government in Karnataka from distributing free bicycles to school students. Their reason - “students are not voters”⁵.

Yes, political parties are only allowed to buy the support of those over the age of 18.

It is the time for politicians to bring down their political opponents and BJP senior leader, Venkaiah Naidu, intends to do that in rhyme. He was quoted as saying, “PM presides, madam (Congress President Sonia Gandhi) decides”⁶, and “Congress assurance has no insurance”⁷.

It looks like Navjot Singh Sidhu⁸ has had a lasting impact on the BJP.

There has been a lot of political and public uproar ever since a CD containing a hate speech allegedly made by Varun Gandhi, the BJP candidate from Pilibhit, came to light. Renowned public nuisance and head of the Sri Ram Sena, Pramod Muthalik, has thrown his weight behind Varun Gandhi saying, “He has the guts to speak the truth. Sri Rama Sena would support him. I think every true Hindu would support him”⁹.

Muthalik, shut up.

To read more ‘India, This Past Fortnight’, click here.

Footnotes:
1 - http://movies.indiatimes.com/Features–Events/Features/Quotable-Quotes-of-the-Week/articleshow/msid-4293719,curpg-9.cms
2 - http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Vadodara/Nano-enamours-Indias-first-woman-photojournalist/articleshow/4311135.cms
3 - http://cricket.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Shifting-of-IPL-from-India-is-shameful/articleshow/4306638.cms
4 - http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20090088612&ch=324200972000PM
5 - http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/001200903242231.htm
6 - http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20090088670
7 - http://www.hindu.com/2009/03/25/stories/2009032561011400.htm
8 - Navjot Singh Sidhu is a former Indian Cricketer and television commentator who ran on a BJP ticket in 2004. He was well known for his word-play, commonly known as ‘Sidhuisms’.
9 - http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Varun-had-the-guts-to-speak-the-truth-Muthalik/articleshow/4310204.cms

Test My Research Project

2009-04-01T13:43:00.002-05:00

So, I've got a big research project to present in a couple of days and I want to test it out before I make my presentation. Please click here to and follow the instructions. I would greatly appreciate it!

Observations of a Third Year College Student

2009-03-10T00:51:00.001-05:00

1. The time to do laundry is determined by the number of pairs of underwear you own.

2. Never ask a college student when they last did their laundry (there is no way they have that many pairs of underwear).

3. You know it's time to ask your room-mate to do the dishes when the stench reaches the bed room.

4. It's never your turn to do the dishes.

5. A shower lasting longer than 5 minutes is a momentous occasion.

6. A shower is an occasion.

7. Never call a person when you can see them on Google Talk (having to hear the other person's voice is over-rated).

8. Never ever text a person unless it's an emergency (email is cheaper).

9. If you see a third year student who does not look tired or even mildly pissed with life, you may assume either
a) he is smoking something you've heard makes life seem wonderful
b) he is a Business major

10. If you hear a third year student cribbing, you are allowed to zone out as long as you nod your head in regular intervals.

11. If you see a freshman cribbing, you may knock that kid on the head. Caveat: the kid has to be smaller than you.

12. You are required to act surprised at your 'surprise' birthday party. Even though you knew there was going to be a surprise party. Something's gotta be up when your friends suddenly seem to enjoy your company.

13. You are allowed to be offended if there was no surprise party. Even though you said you didn't want one, multiple times.

14. You can put a :( as your Facebook status message if you did not get any kind of party. Seriously, everyone deserves cake.

15. If you see a FB status message saying 'Person's_name is gay', then that person's got bored friends. And an unattended laptop. Change his computer clock to be one hour slower.

16. A handshake and a smile is the best way to avoid talking to someone.

17. Never stop to talk to someone if all you've got is 'What's up?'.

18. If you hear a Backstreet Boys' song playing from someone's laptop, you can loudly mock them (even though you are singing along in your head).

19. If a Backstreet Boys' song suddenly starts playing from your laptop, you can say 'How did that get in there?' and look around with a bemused smile. It's cool, we all know how it got in there.

20. Saying 'My Bad' absolves you of the bad you did. Really.

India, This Past Fortnight (III)

2009-03-09T22:30:00.001-05:00

Due to lack of anything interesting to write about, and due to the lack of time to do anything interesting (so that I can later write about it), I post yet another edition of India, This Past Fortnight (originally published on Mar 5th). If you like pictures, click here to read the article.

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) recently barred¹ two Indian Cricketers, Sachin Tendulkar and Dinesh Karthik, from playing in an exhibition game in New Zealand. The reason given was that they could not play alongside Hamish Marshall, who is part of the un-sanctioned Indian Cricket League (ICL). My sources in New Zealand tell me that the BCCI also forwarded a 4 point document to the Indian Cricket team that they have to strictly follow:

1. Must not eat at the same restaurants as other ICL players.
2. Must not acknowledge the presence of another ICL player.
3. Must not apologize to an ICL player if you accidentally bump into one.
4. Must not accept that Kapil Dev, Chairman of the Executive Board of the ICL, ever played Cricket for India.

The Indian Cricket Team was never known for having a vibrant or even remotely interesting looking team uniform. It used to be light blue, with the team sponsor’s name smacked right across the center of the t-shirt. Now it is dark blue, with the team sponsor’s name smacked right across the center of the t-shirt. It so happened that this change in uniform coincided with India losing both their Twenty20 games against New Zealand. As expected, out-of-work Indian astrologers began to attribute the color of the uniform to India’s falling fortunes. Other Indian fans felt similarly too, with one especially intelligent one saying “Let’s not bring any superstition into this. The dark blue has prevented Indians from thinking clearly.”²

Yes, it’s always nice to hear sound logic.

Recently, musical genius was acknowledged on a world stage when AR Rahman won two Oscars for his work in Slumdog Millionaire. It was, however, clear that Rahman had not spent too much time on his acceptance speech. He started off with a joke that fell flat (”Before coming, I was excited and nervous. The last time I felt like that was during my marriage”) and then quoted a lame dialogue: “Mere paas Maa hai”, from a lame Hindi movie. But then, I will never be able to delight billions of people with astounding music.

So I should probably shut up.

Staying with music and the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack, the Congress party in India has acquired the rights to use the song ‘Jai Ho’ in their campaign ahead of the general elections³.

At least their empty promises will sound better to the ear now.

It’s quite clear that the Congress wants to ride the Slumdog wave. They’ve even gone on to take credit for its tremendous Oscar success - “All this has been possible because of the conducive environment and good governance of the UPA.”⁴

Hmmm, have they seen the movie?

A US collector, James Otis, recently decided to auction some of Mahatma Gandhi’s possessions. This led to an uproar in India, and there were requests made to the Indian Government to bid in the auction and make sure that the possessions returned to India. Apparently, the Indian Government made an offer to buy the items off Otis. This was declined by Otis who, when queried about the magnitude of the offer, had this to say, “It was financially so small that I would not like to repeat it.”⁵

Good news is that Russell Peters now has new material for his stand up.

To read more ‘India, This Past Fortnight’, click here.

Footnotes:
1 http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/nzvind2009/content/story/392501.html

2 http://cricket.ndtv.com/cricket/ndtvcricket/storypage/ndtv/id/spoen20090085017/story.html

3 http://www.hindu.com/2009/03/04/stories/2009030460191000.htm

4 http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1233648

5 Economic Times

India, This Past Fortnight (II)

2009-02-20T10:39:00.002-06:00

[This is a new humour column I'm writing for Nazar. This article can be seen there as well.]

The latest national pastime in India seems to be attacking film producers over the names that they choose for their movies. Following the protests against Slumdog Millionaire (the name was thought to insult slum dwellers), the Hairdresser’s Association of Mumbai came out against Billu Barber, a movie where Shah Rukh Khan makes a cameo appearance. In order to appease the huge volume of barbers who form Shah Rukh’s fan base, the title had to be changed in the last minute to ‘Billu’. My guess is that the alliance of barbers felt offended that the name Billu was associated with their profession.

Well, if you’re named Billu, I guess you are used to disappointments.

February 14^th was Valentine’s Day. It was the usual routine for me – wake up, look at the date, cringe, lie in a fetal position for a while, and then look online to see what the stars of Bollywood are saying about their ‘non-existent’ love life. While Celina Jaitley sounded desperate for some loving (“I am in love with the idea of being in love more than falling in love”¹), Asin, of Ghajini fame, commented that her father was the only man in her life. It pains me to see beauty struggle.

Asin, call me.

Recently, a senior Congress leader called Abhishek Manu Singhvi, said that George Bush should be given a Bharat Ratna, India’s highest civilian honor, for ending nuclear isolation with India².

Someone should throw a shoe at Singhvi.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is planning to come out with a brand new drink called ‘Gau Jal’³. The primary ingredient of this drink is cow urine. The RSS believe that this drink will give good competition to Pepsi and Coco Cola (even though the latter drinks apparently have a secondary use as toilet disinfectants⁴). I hear that there are going to be efforts made by the RSS to slowly enter other markets as well. There are plans to make pee-nut butter and they are also coming up with a new chain of restaurants, temporarily titled ‘Piss-a Hut’.

Oops, I should not have ‘leaked’ that information to the press.

I was looking up the Indian Supreme Court’s definition of idiot the other day (no, it was not self-doubt that led to that search) and I came upon an article⁵ that enlightened me on that topic. The article said, “To be legally accepted as an ‘idiot’, one has to be so dumb as to be unable to count till 20, list the days of the week, or fail to remember the names of one’s parents”.

The next time you are accused of murder and the judge asks you to count till 20, remember to stop at 19.

Footnotes:

¹ http://movies.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-4111939,flstry-1.cms

² http://news.oneindia.in/2009/02/13/bush-deserves-a-bharat-ratna-singhvi.html

³ http://news.oneindia.in/2009/02/13/rss-to-launch-cow-urine-soft-drink-gau-jal.html

⁴ http://stoney.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/09/a-homemaker-s-best-friends/comments.htm

⁵ http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/3426579.cms

Previously: India, This Past Fortnight(I)

India, This Past Fortnight

2009-01-27T20:05:00.005-06:00

Recently, activists of the Sri Ram Sena attacked women who were at a pub in Mangalore, India. The chief of the Sri Ram Sena, Mr. Muthalik, had this to say, "We condemn the pub culture. In our culture, we respect and salute women and give them the status of mother".1 Muthalik's mother was unavailable for comment since in Muthalik's culture, women can only be seen and not heard.

Slumdog Millionaire is a huge success and so it was only natural that people started suing the producers of the film. The protests center around the title of the movie. 'Slumdog' apparently offends the sentiments of some slum dwellers and so they demand that it be changed. Rumors are abound that by a simple exchange of letters, a reasonable compromise can be achieved. Don't be surprised if you see 'Slumgod Millionaire' plastered about cinema halls in the coming weeks.

Following the success of Sinngh is Kinng and Chandni Chowk to China, Bollywood producers have agreed that they can save money and time by not hiring writers. Akshay Kumar had this to say about the success of his last two films, "When I saw the titles of these movies, I knew I had to act in them. In this industry, you've got to be quick to sign movies with good titles. Shahrukh is working with Karan Johar on 'My Name Is Khan'. If only I was a bit more alert, 'My Name Is Kumar' would be out in theaters now."

On January 26th, Indian President, Pratibha Patil made an appearance before the Indian public as she watched and occasionally saluted at the Republic Day celebrations at the Red Fort. It took a while for the troops marching to realize that the person saluting them was in fact the President of their country. "You see, I spend a lot of my time talking to the dead. So I cannot come out into the sun too often. But the Republic Day celebrations were nice. I was told to occasionally wave my hand in a horizontal manner by Sonia-ji and it was nice to see those young men do the exact same thing in my direction. To be completely honest, I felt bad for those men. To walk around in such poorly designed outfits must be gut-wrenching for them".

There have been a sudden spate of incidents involving young men slapping other young men. Ever since it was announced that Harbhajan Singh was being offered the Padmasri, India's fourth highest civilian honor, the youth of India are starting to follow in Harbhajan's footsteps. Sreesanth, Harbhajan's most famous slap victim, had this to say, "Sniff."

Indian Railway Minister and Parliamentary jester, Lalu Prasad Yadav, recently said, "When I can control buffalos, then managing Railways is not a big deal."2 It's good to know that he came to the job with prior expertise.

1-http://www.ptinews.com/pti%5Cptisite.nsf/0/935A78D81D253F976525754B0051A8F2?OpenDocument
2- http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/002200901271920.htm

ARR :D

2009-01-11T23:07:00.001-06:00

We always knew he was a genius. Now they know.

Last Rites

2009-01-02T11:10:00.001-06:00

It was a complete contrast to the previous time I was there. There were hardly any people walking about, it was mostly quiet (devotional songs occasionally blasting from stereos) and there was a calm to the place. It had been a long and tiring journey (7 hours on road, following a three hour flight), but my cousin, my sister and I had only one thing on mind. We followed our driver, who was doubling up as our guide, and walked in brisk steps to combat the cold.

I had never seen death before; I was in a coffee shop in Chennai on the 26^th of December when I got the phone call. “Thatha… final moments… hurry”. I was two minutes too late when I reached home. People were crying and I saw my grandfather, my hero, lifeless. I had had that car ride home to understand what was happening and I guess that’s probably why I didn’t cry much. Or maybe it was because I wanted to stay strong for my mother and grandmother. The latter just sounds silly to me now - staying strong for the two strongest women I’ve known.

The water was flowing with a strong current and the cold in the air was making my ears go numb. I was not in the best shape, a fever and a sore throat causing trouble, but I had to step into the water and do what the whole trip was about. I took it out of my bag and struggled to remove the rope holding the cloth on top. My cousin offered to help, but with both feet shivering in the cold water, I was not willing to give up now.

I’ve never seriously thought about whether there is a God, and it’s because I’m happy living my life without wondering if there is a phenomenon that is in fact pulling the strings from above (or wherever). I think people think about a higher being when they feel helpless. I felt helpless when my grandfather passed away, but I wasn’t thinking about God. I wanted to do something, something to show to my grandfather that I loved him (even though he would never get to know of the act).

Four years ago, I had been to Haridwar on a school trip and I got the opportunity to bathe in the Ganges and also witness a puja that had me transfixed. Once again, I am not the religious type and so I was surprised as to why I was so taken by a puja. I had fallen in love with the place – the beautiful Ganges, staying pure despite man’s greatest attempts to pollute it, flowing without burden through a city that was built around it.

The rope eventually came off and so did the cloth on top. I moved closer to the water and my cousin held on to my shoulder, as I felt the strength of the Ganges. I closed my eyes and thought of my grandfather. I turned the pot upside down and the ashes became one with the great river. We had done what we had come for, and for a second all I could hear was the water flowing. Closure had never felt so real.

This and all...

2008-12-24T02:29:00.001-06:00

I've known K for almost 7 years now. We met in the 9th standard when I joined a new school. We were classmates and we were also two amongst a total of 7 people who took Tamil in the 9th. That number dwindled down to 3 in the 11th and 12th standard. Surprisingly, we have never spoken to each other in Tamil.

Yesterday, I met him after a year and a half, and we spoke, as usual, completely in English. A common friend of ours called in the middle and I immediately reverted to Tamil when I was on the phone, and so did K. And once he hung up, it was all English again.

I guess I must have spoken in English for the most part when I joined that new school and I guess that's probably why we've never been able to start off with a 'dei, enna da panra?' ('what you up to?'). Instead of saying 'idhellam over da', we have to use convoluted sentences such as 'this is and all too much', thereby indicating that we are Tamil in our hearts but that we use English solely as a means of conveying the thoughts we have in Tamil.

Maybe since I am so extremely jobless right now, I'll try talking to him only in Tamil. It's always good to fill up time trying to put people at unease, right?

Why I Hate To Fly

2008-12-18T16:21:00.001-06:00

I am not a fan of traveling by air. Wait, let me qualify that statement. I am not a fan of traveling in the economy class. And, since I will never pay for a business class ticket and since the chances of me getting bumped up are as likely as George Bush actually getting hit by a shoe, I'm destined to painful flights where I have to sleep sitting up and make way for neighbours with out-of-control bladders.

I do, however, like the short, domestic flights. You get in, find a seat, shut your eyes and then an hour later you're waiting for the seat belt sign to come off. It's the international flights that really make me feel like smacking someone (not that I ever will, but still).

I believe that there are 4 factors that decide how bearable the flight will turn out to be:

1. The person sitting in front of you

I have always had the misfortune of sitting behind people who like to go to town with their seat recline button. As soon as the air hostess gives the OK sign, the seat in front of me starts its descent and soon enough it's almost touching my nose. A solution that has been offered to me is to also do the same thing. But see, I don't want to cause trouble to the person behind me. I'm nice like that. Oh and I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the theory that I do not know how to operate the recline button.

2. The leg room

This is crucial. I despise Lufthansa flights merely for the reason that the leg room in economy is woeful. I believe that to sit 10 hours with no space to move your feet amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.

3. The TV

I find it impossible to sleep sitting up and so I rely on the entertainment that the plane offers to while away the time. I've noticed that a lot of flights now offer TV shows and movies on-demand and those flights are the best. I can see TV shows I've seen before, over and over again. I've seen every episode of The Office and Scrubs more than 5 times each. It's a gift, I know.

4. The person sitting next to you

I usually like talking to people sitting next to me on the plane. But sometimes, conversations can get weird. Especially if the neighbour starts confiding his personal problems with you because you remind him of his son. Or if she starts asking you about how to fix her laptop once she finds out that you are a Computer Science major. And to top it all, if he spills tomato juice on your jeans, calls the air hostess and asks for one more glass of tomato juice.

The flight to Heathrow got delayed by an hour and so I got the time to write out this rant of sorts for your reading pleasure. Yes, I know, one more reason to hate the system.

In my fifth semester, I...

2008-12-17T03:33:00.001-06:00

My fifth semester at UT ended today. It's been my hardest semester, academically and otherwise. There are many things that can almost break a man, and studying for a Computer Architecture final for 5 consecutive days ranks high on that list. But, it's all over now and a much needed trip to Chennai is 2 days away!

Reader(s) of this blog might remember seeing posts about what I really do during my semesters at college and this is another one in what promises to be an 8 part series (I hope).

So, without further adieu, in my fifth semester, I

1. Saw snow in Austin, and I mean proper snow. Like real snow flakes. The white, flake shaped kind.

2. Got smacked on the face by hail. The beautiful snow, sadly, didn't last too long.

3. Went to Seattle. Highlights include playing with the Microsoft Surface and attempting to take pictures of the city without destroying the camera in the rain and wind at the top of the Space Needle.

4. Stayed up till 5am to watch India beat England in a cracker of a match at Chepauk. Studying for my aforementioned final would have been wiser, but missing Sachin score that winning boundary would have been criminal.

5. Found out the hard way that everything is closed on Thanksgiving. Spent 3 hours looking for food all around Austin before finally coming across an open Mexican supermarket. Tortillas with ready made Dal Makhni is not too terrible.

6. Saw a creepy, old Indian guy in the library who came often to the same study lounge and did nothing but stare at the people around him. Quite a few theories were postulated about why he was the way he was, but the opinion that he was creepy was unanimous.

7. Ended up going to my Differential Equations class a total of 9 times. It was not entirely my fault though - 8 am is an unseemly hour to wake up at.

8. Had my worst ever season with the bat and best ever season with the ball in the Central Texas Cricket League.

9. Added more credibility to the claim that I am a klutz. I fell down while climbing up the stairs with a laundry basket, spilt my coffee several times in the microwave oven and banged into a desk while trying to show my room-mate that I could do more than 10 consecutive push-ups.

10. Voted for the first time ever. Yes, he won and is apparently bringing change to America. No more begging for quarters for laundry anymore.

11. Correctly predicted that it would not rain in Austin on a day when every news channel predicted heavy thunder showers. Even the UT football game was postponed. I, however, incorrectly predicted on a November night that it would be warm and had to walk back home in the cold wearing a flimsy t-shirt.

12. Drove around Austin at 2 am looking for Hot Chocolate. Gave up after a luck-less hour and a half and went over to a friend's place and quietly drank his 'hot chocolate'. Also heard about his stimulating Tori Amos experience, but let's not venture into that.

13. Spilt coke in exactly the same way (holding the cup closer to the top) thrice - once at Burger King, once at Wendy's and once at home.

14. Walked to campus on a fine Friday morning with just my camera. Had lunch with a friend and did not do anything even remotely academic. The fact that I had a weekday with nothing to do did not seem to throw me off. And as a result, did not submit the homework that was apparently due that day.

Ignorance, really is bliss.

Other awesome reads:
In my fourth semester, I
Things I did in my third semester
Things I did in my second semester
Things I did in my first semester

When

2008-12-10T18:59:00.001-06:00

Down in the dumps -> Twist and Shout

Sluggish-> City of Blinding Lights

Love sick -> Khuda Jaane

Singing along -> Pichle Saat Dinon Mein

Thinking about the world -> Imagine

Not on the verge of getting a head ache -> Baba O'Riley

Noticing a cute girl on the bus -> Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi

Home sick -> Maana Madurai

Regretful -> Yesterday

Driving alone -> Free Fallin'

Nostalgic -> Summer of 69

Seeking calm -> Besame Mucho

Ponderous -> Bitter Sweet Symphony

Raining -> Banana Pancakes

Overcast -> All good things come to an end

Heading downtown -> Paper Planes

Showering -> Snow (Hey Oh)

Seeking quiet inspiration -> Lough Erin Shore

Narcissistic -> Neon

No one is in hearing vicinity -> A Thousand Miles

The Key

2008-11-12T01:09:00.003-06:00

It's been more than a year since the last time I was in Chennai. I knew that I would miss home, friends and the city itself. It somehow never struck me that I would miss Tamil.

I had taken Tamil as a second language till my twelfth standard, mostly because everyone else took Sanskrit and French and I had to be the non-conformist. It definitely did not help boost my grades in the board exam and I hated memorizing stupid answers to stupid questions. My mom had to undergo a lot of my incessant ranting about how a lot of what Thiruvalluvar said didn't make any sense.

"How can a man be a tree?"
"No, he is saying that an inconsiderate man might as well be a tree."
"I feel bad for the tree."

Thiruvalluvar used to write sets comprising of 10 couplets each and each set would extol a particular virtue. And more often than not, the last couplet of each set would claim that there was nothing greater than that particular virtue. "Amma, idhulla logic-ae illa!" (“Amma, there is no logic in this!”) I would shout out. And my mom would nod her head and ask me to repeat all ten couplets to make sure that I remembered them all. There were other poems where the female protagonist would constantly complain to her 'thozhi' (girl friend) about how her lover had abandoned her and I always hated the thozhi for not having a life of her own. I also absolutely despised abstract poems and I would deliver a standard dialogue to my mom:

"Idhu English'la translate panna kooda oru mannum puriyadhu, thamizh'la... exam'la pass-aana maadhiri thaan." ("This wouldn't make sense if it was translated in English, I'm definitely failing my exam").

And she would nod understandingly and try to make me understand the incomprehensible poem.

Today, while wasting time on YouTube, I came across this song from the movie Bharathi. It suddenly brought back a flood of memories (I succumb to nostalgia way too easily). Very rarely did I enjoy opening my Tamil textbook, but I do remember those rare moments of joy vividly. I think it was in the 6th standard when we read about 'Veerapandiya Kattaboman' and I remember how I used to say his speech out loud and ask my mom if it was better than Sivaji Ganesan's version. I would read aloud Bharathiar's poems and marvel at his skill of saying so much, and with so much force and vigor, with such few words. I used to see the pictures of the students who had topped the state in Tamil, at the back of the 'Konar Tamil Study Guide' and I would convince myself that my face too would one day adorn that poorly designed back cover. I missed out narrowly on that accomplishment though (was only 40 marks short of the State Topper).

It's not usual for me to start reminiscing about a language while sitting bored out of my mind with my Networks homework. I complained and grumbled throughout my school years about how much I hated studying Tamil and about how it was not going to be useful to me in any way. Today, I read some of Bharathiar's poems for the first time in about 2 years and I got goose bumps.

Alphonse Daudet wrote in his short story, 'The Last Lesson', "When people are enslaved, as long as they hold fast to their language, it is as if they had the key to their prison." While Daudet said that in the context of his story, the line resonates. Being able to read and enjoy Tamil literature, sitting thousands of miles away from where it was born, is a wonderful comfort.

Thanks mom.

5 Things I Learnt From My Seattle Trip

2008-11-08T20:12:00.001-06:00

1. Do not say "you too" when the ticket checker at the airport says "Have a safe flight."

2. Wear pants that don't fall down during the security check. But more importantly, why do they want to scan my belt?

3. If a cab driver asks "Where in India are you from?", say Chennai, not Madras. Otherwise, the cab driver will butcher Tamil just to show that he knows that Madras and Chennai refer to the same place.

4. Mention 'mild spice' when ordering pizza from an Indian pizza store to avoid eyes welling up while watching Seinfeld.

5. Remember to change the time-zone on the phone before setting an alarm to wake up for an important interview.

P.S: Shameless un-related plug - A Man Of His Own Terms (A Tribute to Sourav Ganguly)

Revelation of the day

2008-11-03T14:23:00.003-06:00

Click to view bigger image

For The Memories, For The Love

2008-10-22T09:51:00.008-05:00

I woke up an hour ago. I got an sms informing me that my paternal grandfather had passed away.

I struggle to put together words but I must. The least I can do is to write about him, at least the way he affected me.

My first memory of Nana Thatha is when I was about 2 years old. We were sitting in the living room in our home in San Jose. I was playing and he asked me to come sit next to him.

"Un peyar enna, theriyuma?" (Do you know what your name is?).
"Neeyuntha", I replied without excitement.
"Illa!" (Nope).
"Aaaaa aen? Adhu en peyar." (Why? That is my name).
"Illa, unakku rendu peyar irukku." (No, you have two names).
(I now sit up straight with an excited look).
"Madhuri'kkum rendu peyar irukku, theriyuma?"(Even Madhuri has two names, did you know?).
"En peyar enna??" (What is my name??)
"Un peyar Ranganathan." (Your name is Ranganathan).
"Enakku Neeyanthaaa've pidichirukku." (I'm fine with Niyantha).

Four years ago, my cousins and I were playing Kaun Banega Crorepati with 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' question cards. I got to be Amitabh Bachchan and on one question the contestant wanted to 'Phone a Friend'. So I picked up my cell and dialed my home number.
Nana Thatha picked up and I bellowed through the phone, "Main Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon!".
"Chi phone-a veyyu da" (Chi, keep the phone down).

Nana Thatha was a learned man, and extremely good with words. His book on Iraq and the USA during the tenure of George Bush Sr. got published a few years ago, and I was so glad to see that smile on his face when he got his copy of the book. If you are someone who writes, I bet there is nothing like the sight of the first copy of your book.

He was a wonderful man. He was able to raise, with his wife, 4 children who are all now settled and successful. He cared for his grand children. He loved talking to me, speaking to me in his trademark style. "Boy, come here", he would always say when he saw me walking out to play Cricket. The foolishness of my age made me come up with excuses but I'm glad he persevered. I was lucky to have a grandfather who loved and cared for me and the rest of his grandchildren as much.

Nana Thatha, I will forever miss you. This post was an attempt by me to accept your death. I thought that maybe if I wrote it all down, I would stop crying. But I will stop, and I will accept what's happened.

Thanks for being there for me all these years.

Love,

Niyantha

P.S: Please leave a comment if you have met my grandfather and would like to share your memories of him.

Time wasting tactics to avoid studying Differential Equations:

2008-10-17T16:06:00.002-05:00

1. Doing a vanity search.

2. Trying to take a 5 minute power nap and waking up drowsier.

3. Watching Charlie bite his brother on YouTube.

4. Getting nostalgic and going through Sachin's scores from his first test series (Cricinfo has everything!).

5. Checking my reflection on the laptop screen.

6. Learning how to say the ten most commonly used French phrases via an instructional video on YouTube.

Comment allez-vous?

7. Looking at the sun shining brightly outside and reminiscing about the extremely hot and humid days back home in Madras. Good times.

8. Staring absentmindedly through the window thereby freaking out people passing by.

9. Yawning for a really long time.

10. Making a pointless list.