Friday, February 20, 2009

India, This Past Fortnight (II)

[This is a new humour column I'm writing for Nazar. This article can be seen there as well.]

The latest national pastime in India seems to be attacking film producers over the names that they choose for their movies. Following the protests against Slumdog Millionaire (the name was thought to insult slum dwellers), the Hairdresser’s Association of Mumbai came out against Billu Barber, a movie where Shah Rukh Khan makes a cameo appearance. In order to appease the huge volume of barbers who form Shah Rukh’s fan base, the title had to be changed in the last minute to ‘Billu’. My guess is that the alliance of barbers felt offended that the name Billu was associated with their profession.

Well, if you’re named Billu, I guess you are used to disappointments.

February 14th was Valentine’s Day. It was the usual routine for me – wake up, look at the date, cringe, lie in a fetal position for a while, and then look online to see what the stars of Bollywood are saying about their ‘non-existent’ love life. While Celina Jaitley sounded desperate for some loving (“I am in love with the idea of being in love more than falling in love”1), Asin, of Ghajini fame, commented that her father was the only man in her life. It pains me to see beauty struggle.

Asin, call me.

Recently, a senior Congress leader called Abhishek Manu Singhvi, said that George Bush should be given a Bharat Ratna, India’s highest civilian honor, for ending nuclear isolation with India2.

Someone should throw a shoe at Singhvi.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is planning to come out with a brand new drink called ‘Gau Jal’3. The primary ingredient of this drink is cow urine. The RSS believe that this drink will give good competition to Pepsi and Coco Cola (even though the latter drinks apparently have a secondary use as toilet disinfectants4). I hear that there are going to be efforts made by the RSS to slowly enter other markets as well. There are plans to make pee-nut butter and they are also coming up with a new chain of restaurants, temporarily titled ‘Piss-a Hut’.

Oops, I should not have ‘leaked’ that information to the press.

I was looking up the Indian Supreme Court’s definition of idiot the other day (no, it was not self-doubt that led to that search) and I came upon an article5 that enlightened me on that topic. The article said, “To be legally accepted as an ‘idiot’, one has to be so dumb as to be unable to count till 20, list the days of the week, or fail to remember the names of one’s parents”.

The next time you are accused of murder and the judge asks you to count till 20, remember to stop at 19.







Previously: India, This Past Fortnight(I)


maxdavinci said...

new writing style,i likey

Coconut Chutney said...

"Asin, call me"

Dang, you really are funny!

Idling in Top Gear said...

Some one in the Tamil Nadu Assembly one-upped the idiot who wanted to give W the Bharat Ratna by putting forth a resolution to recommend Karunanidhi for a Nobel prize. No kidding!

Anonymous said...

'In order to appease the huge volume of barbers who form Shah Rukh Khan's fan base'- very funny. Keep writing.

neon said...

@max, chutney, amas,

thanks :)


lol, what category? most shiny sotta?

entwined said...

lol...hilarious....the legal definition of an idiot and the stop at 19...awesome

neon said...


thanks :)