Saturday, October 29, 2005

Shopping Theorems

Shopping for clothes is an ordeal especially when you go to a factory outlet three days before Deepavali. It is also an annoying experience when the shop employees who are supposed to be helping you find the right clothes, act like almighty snobs. I had taken three shirts into the dressing room but I was called out and scolded for taking too many clothes in. I took three shirts! Into a dressing room! They said that I could try out only one shirt and see whether it fits. They felt that if I tried out anymore clothes, they would in some inconceivable way be losing out on business. It is an interesting argument. The more number of clothes you try on, the less you'll buy a k a the idiot’s inverse theorem. If it makes sense to any of you, please explain their logic to this unfortunate ignoramus.

So, left with no choice, I took one shirt in and fortunately it fit. I rejected the other two shirts and the, ahem, helper guy gave me an ugly stare which I joyfully returned. I asked him to guide me to the Formals section and he made a valiant attempt to smile mockingly at me (He looked as if he was having gastric problems). He, like many others, failed to realise the fact that I was 16 years old. So he asked me, “Are you shopping for your father?” Old memories came flooding back into my mind but I managed to push them away. I just nodded; felt that there was no use contradicting a doof. Buying formals was even more difficult because I could try out only two pants and this being the first time I was buying formal pants, I wanted more choice. Well anyway, I finished my shopping and took out my wallet to pay the bill and I noticed the whooping 30% discount on all the clothes. An awesome sight. Yes, it was a factory outlet and an unfriendly one at that, but still 30% discount! All this made me formulate my own set of theorems:

1. The worse the helper guys are, the bigger the discounts.
2. My age is inversely proportional to my physical appearance.
3. And of course, bigger the purchase, lighter the wallet :(

Friday, October 28, 2005

What a day!

Picture Courtesy: Random Useless Thoughts

42 cm of rainfall in 40 hours! In Chennai! Weird. After years of praying for rain, the weather gods finally answered our prayers.... and compensated for all the drought years by giving 42 cms of rainfall!!!!!!!! I was lucky though, not much of a flooding crisis near my house, so the electricity wasn't switched for most of the time. One of my friends hasn't had electricity for the past 30 hours. Compared to him, I'm living in paradise. Srirangam is almost submerged but the one good thing about all this rain is that we won't have any more water shortage issues for a long, long time. Today I had gone to the Doctor's office and on the way I saw a pretty unusual sight. The Chinmaya Nagar lake had risen up so much that you couldn't make out which was the lake and which was the road. Pretty scary stuff, especially when you consider the fact that the lake is more than 20 feet deep. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. Well, I just hope Tamil Nadu gets back on its feet pretty quickly and I also hope that the water on the roads gets cleared up so that people can have their electricity back.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

What the BCCI stands for

Very recently there was a meeting regarding the spat between Saurav Ganguly, the Indian Cricket Captain and Greg Chappel, the Indian Cricket Coach. It was chaired by Ranbir Singh Mahendra, the President of BCCI. Following this line is what I believe happened in that meeting.

Mahendra: Good Morning gentlemans. We are haveeng thees meeting today to find a solutions for thees problem.

Ravi: I suggest Grammar classes.

Mahendra: Excuse me Ravi! I was meaning finding the solutions for India losing the matches and the settling of dispute between the Greg Chappal...

Greg: Its Chappel mate!

Mahendra: That is what I said. As I was in the saying, the settling of dispute between Greg Chappal and Saurav Ganguly. That is why I have called Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Srinivas Venkatraghavan to help me find solutions. Let us start with Ravi. Give solution.

Ravi: Saurav, why did you go public with the issue involving you and Greg?

Saurav: Hmm, the boys did not play well today. It was a bad day in the office for us. The boys did not score enough runs nor take enough wickets. The boys...

Ravi: Saurav, I must remind you that this is not an after-match presentation ceremony.

Saurav: Uhhh, sorry Ravi. I...

Greg: He's practised that speech a lot in recent times.

Ravi: Greg, I would prefer it if this meeting went off peacefully.

Greg: Whatever, mate.

Saurav: Ravi, it irked me that someone would ask me to give up my captaincy despite me being the most successful captain for India.

Sunil: Yes Saurav, you are the most successful captain but that has nothing to do with you washing dirty linen in public.

Mahendra: Saurav, I didn't know that you wash your own dirty clothes. I was in the thinking that you gave it to the laundarary service.

Sunil: Oh God! It's a saying, Mahendra, like crying over spilt milk.

Mahendra: Oh, you mean due to water problems you are adding water to your milk by crying?

Sunil: Crying over spilt milk is an idiom!

Mahendra: You are calling me an idiot!!

Sunil: Uhhh, Greg, What do you think about this mess? I mean the spat between you and Saurav.

Greg: I feel that it was an issue blown way out of proportion. It was just a talk that I had had with Saurav dealing with team selection and it was a talk that should have been kept within the dressing room.

Venkat: Do you think that a coach can ask a Captain to step down?

Greg: Why not? If Saurav's not performing, he shouldn't play.

Saurav: Huhum, Excuse me Greg, I did score a century against Zimbabwe.

Greg: Mate, Geoffrey Boycott's mum could score a century against Zimbabwe..blindfolded!

Mahendra: Wow! Very talented mother. Mine is very good in the making of the aloo parathas. She also make good milk sweets. I think you will like them Sunil. It isn't made with the cried milk you were in the talking about.

Sunil: Oh...good.

Saurav: Greg, A century is a century, whether it is scored against Australia or whether it is scored against Zimbabwe.

Greg: You wouldn't score a century against Australia, mate. They are awesome when it comes to bowling short pitched stuff and you run towards square leg whenever you see a ball coming waist high or above.

Mahendra: Greg, you can't blame Saurav for that. They say they'll ball short pitch and they ball very high balls. Shouldn't they call it tall pitch balling?

Greg: I can see why Indian Cricket is in shambles.

Ravi: Saurav, you haven't performed consistently for two and a half years now and India hasn't been faring well too. Why should you continue to stay at the helm?

Saurav: The boys are not playing to their potential. They haven't performed when required but I believe that this is a temporary phase.

Greg: You didn't answer the question mate.

Saurav: I did Greg.

Greg: No, you didn't!

Saurav: Yes, I did!

Greg: No, you didn't!

Saurav: Yes, I did!

Mahendra: Ooo, this is vaery exiting.

Venkat: Exciting, you mean?

Mahendra: Yes, that is what I said.

Sunil: Saurav, why do you deserve to be Captain?

Saurav: I am the most successful Indian captain.

Sunil: You already said that.

Ravi: Remember Saurav, even good captains have an expiry date.

Mahendra: Even the Dates I had boughten yesterday had an expiry date.

Ravi: Saurav, give me a proper answer. There's no use beating around the bush.

Mahendra: Ravi, why are you breenging the George Bush into this? Let us stick to Cricket.

Sunil gives a sympathizing look to Ravi.

Ravi: Saurav, tell me why you went public with your problems with Greg and why you merit a place in the Indian Cricket team despite your poor performance with the bat.

Saurav: The boys... Hmm... You know, the boys...I did score a century against Zimbabwe... Uhhh.. The boys?

Mahendra: I say, give him a life line. Phone-a-friend. Call Jagmohan bhai, Saurav.

Greg: Listen mates, Indian Cricket isn't going to go anywhere if we are going to be afraid to drop players just because of their past records. We need to be fair to all the Cricketers in India. You don't perform, you ain't gonna get picked. Simple.

Venkat: Greg, wouldn't it have been in the best interest of the team if you had kept this talk with Saurav after the tour was over? An unhappy captain is not good for the team morale.

Greg: A non-performing captain is also not good for the team morale!

Saurav scowls.

Mahendra: Excuse me Gentlemans, it is time for tea break now. We don't seems to be settling dispute here. Why don't we just shake hand and call juice?

Sunil(indignantly): You mean truce!

Mahendra: No I mean juice only. I am very thirsty.

This is just a mockery of what occurs in the BCCI conferences but I suspect that it is pretty close to the actual happenings. The BCCI is a pretty pathetic organization. I am not talking about the money making bit. I am talking about the way they handle problems. I also feel that instead of having honorary members they should have paid employees. The theory that “They should do it for the love of Cricket” is just bs. The truth is you get more work and better work done if you pay your workers and the BCCI aren’t in any ways short of money. As I read in a magazine recently, BCCI really stands for, “Board of Cricket Controversies in India”.

Monday, October 17, 2005

It's all relative

It's always interesting isn't it, when relatives come to visit… especially when you can't remember who they are. I feel quite embarrassed when I stand before someone I'm sure I've met before, but not sure where, when and why. The faces of the relatives always seem familiar and I can escape with some pleasantries but the trouble starts when they ask annoying questions like, "Naan yarunnu theriyitha? (Do you know who I am?)" Or "Balu ippo un class dhaan (Balu is studying in the same class as you)". The second question can be tackled if you quickly nod your head but if you start thinking about who the hell Balu is, then you're screwed. The first question cannot be dealt with unless you know the person's exact name including the exact relationship you share with him/her like "mama/maami", "chitappa,chitti", "onnu vitta chitappa/onnu vitta chitti".( I never really understand why people call other people "onnu vitta" and other such crap. I used to think that my onnu vitta chittappas were famous for urinating). Most of the time I know only their name or only the relation terminology (RT) that follows their name but sometimes I manage to forget both. Recently a very close relative of ours had come to our house. I would have called him by his name and his RT even if he had woken me up at 1 in the morning (I would have said something foul to him, but still I would have called him by his name). Unfortunately he had shaved his moustache, his identification mark and I figured out to my displeasure that removing your moustache can make a hell of a lot of difference to your face.

My grandmother asked me,"Idhu yarunnu theriyitha da?". I opened and closed my mouth several times. I went "Uhh, ya....uhhh" and was starting to feel immensely uncomfortable. He suddenly gave me a pat on the back. I decided that I had to make the best use of the opportunity and I started howling in pain. I told my shocked grandmother and my equally shocked relative that he had tapped me in the exact place where I had gotten hurt in the morning while playing in school. I ran upstairs, still howling, and when I was out of earshot, I gave a huge sigh of relief and followed that with my evil laugh. This was only the first part of my master plan. To complete the second part, I needed the help of my sister. I went and told her that a very close relative of ours had come and that he wanted to meet her. She took the bait and went down. My grandmother asked her the same question she asked me and my sis gave her the same answer that she always gives to anyone who asks her that question, "Umm, theriyala (Umm, I have no clue)". I covered my face with a pillow (I was eavesdropping you know) to stop myself from giving out a huge snort. He introduced himself to her and I came down almost immediately and went, "#$^@$^ mama! How are you!!” He gaped at me with a confused look and asked, "What happened to your back pain?". Oops. So being the incredibly spontaneous person that I am, I ran up again, howling, "Ahh, my back!", tripped and fell flat on my face. If only Einstein had created a "Theory of Relatives" giving tips on how to dodge them, our world would have been so much more happier.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

It's over...

ORCA is over. It seems too simple a statement to say and the truth feels soooo painfully blunt. But all the effort we put in was worth it cos ORCA was a success! I enjoyed myself throughout the two incredibly short days which was a complete contrast to the two extremely long weeks preceding the culturals when we worked our behinds off. It was an unforgettable experience for me- the chance to be the MC, to organise 3 events, to handle LA was absolutely brilliant! I loved typing all sorts of rubbish on the message board (an idea copied from the PSBB culturals but we made no qualms about accepting that) and making fun of the contestants, especially the ones who had these annoying fake accents. I had a blast during the first round of VJ Wannabe, slept during the second round (I blame the food), and woke up and had a blast again in the third round. The awesome part was when John Britto said that the message board rocked. Yay!

The Riddle Wreck and Kryptobyte competitions were zimply zuperb. Aakar Dhoom Machale (Family Fortunes) had some hiccups but overall it was awesome- the audience really liked it. We had S.J Suryah as the Chief Guest for the inauguration. Heh. And Kareena Kapoor as the Chief Guest for the Valedictory Ceremony (No heh's there!). I got to wear a suit and all but unfortunately Kareena couldn't see me cos I came too late for the closing ceremony. Maybe Kareena will be luckier some other time.

Hey stop throwing slippers on me!!

ORCA was such a fun experience for me, incredibly tiring yet so enjoyable… and now… it’s over. ORCA is over, but I’m glad, glad that I was a part of it.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Shaktimaaaaaan! Why fear when he and his glowing red costume are there!

I was so jobless the other day that I sat down in front my TV and saw Shaktimaan on POGO. Yes, Shaktimaan, the only superhero who doesn’t wear his underpants outside his costume. I think the episode I saw was the first ever Shaktimaan episode. I found out how Shaktimaan was born. He was an ordinary orphan boy who was given special “shakti” by this foreign saamiyar who lives on some planet very far away from the earth. You can go there only if you’re Shaktimaan, because he is the only person who has the power to summon a bubble that can withstand the forces of the universe yet remain beautifully transparent.

Fortunately I got to see some beautiful fight sequences between the foreign saamiyar and the evil guy (he is an absolutely revolting person with a green face but shows a wide range of emotions; he always looks like he wants to shit). They use their light sabers (and they say George Lucas invented those glowing sticks!) to fight but it looked more like a dandiya dance to me. Suddenly the foreign saamiyar’s stick flies away and the evil guy shows his evil grin. The saamiyar looks at him with quiet confidence (Who wouldn’t? The evil guy looks like he’s gonna pee any minute!). The evil guy blabbers something about how he doesn’t fight unfairly and asks the foreign saamiyar to go pick up his weapon. Yeah right, an evil guy with moral values! The stupid saamiyar believes the evil guy and goes over to pick up his weapon. The evil guy strikes him with his saber and the saamiyar disappears and only his dhoti is seen lying on the floor. That was a pretty tricky manoeuvre, I must admit, taking off your dhoti and dying at the same time. No wonder POGO advises its viewers not to try out these stunts at home. You have to have serious talent to pull out tricks like that! Now, the saamiyar is not completely dead because he continues to speak to the evil guy about how he has set a master plan to get rid of him. Now we are shown a close up of the evil guy trying desperately hard to shit but it seems like he has constipation. With that priceless expression put on freeze mode, the episode ends.

I just realized something. In this show, the tutor of the hero fights with a light saber, dies leaving his clothes behind, but still continues to help his student by providing shakti(powerful force)... Can you not see the similarities? George Lucas ripped off Shaktimaan!!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I thought holidays were supposed to be fun :(

I have so many things to do but I have so little time! My SAT exam is on the 8th and I haven't done much revision at all; I have to finish my records by the 11th and I haven't written much at all; I have Maths tuition tomorrow morning and I haven’t begun to look for my Maths notebooks. And it’s supposed to be holiday time now!

I've been roaming all over the city for the past couple of days hunting for sponsors for our inter-school culturals. It's been an interesting experience but the awesome part was meeting L.Balaji (the incredibly talented fast bowler) at Limelite (the incredibly expensive hair salon). He was so tall that I looked like a midget standing next to him. Not that I am tall, but still...
Anywaay, I got his autograph and took a picture with him. He didn’t talk much, but I didn’t mind, cos he took a picture with me ,.. rather I took a picture with him! I do look kinda stupid in it what with my mouth wide open and all but I don’t care- a picture with a celebrity is a picture with a celebrity!

I have learnt a lot in the past coupla days like how sponsor hunting can have its tough moments like trying to keep a straight face when you’re talking to a 30 year old guy whose voice hasn’t cracked or when you go into a music store and you’re unable to get the headphones off your ears. But overall it’s an exciting task - talking to people whom you have never seen before, persuading them to invest in your cultural event and then going to Movenpick on top and having a Cheese sandwich.

Now I have to go and write my mock SAT test. The SAT is such an incredibly annoying exam with all these annoying sections and these annoying answer sheets which you have to shade and shade and shade for FOUR hours and thinking about all this makes me feel annoyed and I really want to sleep! My annoyance level just increased now cos I saw a picture I took during camp. If you feel like venting out your views on it in the comment box, you are more than welcome to do so.

The museum officer has even taken the effort to highlight the word "HINDU". And we say that our country is secular...