Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm Back!

I'm back. After 9 gruelling days of train journeys and visits to countless beaches I'm back. It was an interesting and eventful camp though. I had fun but the stay in the Goan hotel (Old Anchor Resort) was nightmarish. Almost all of us fell sick due to the water the hotel supplied. It had so much chlorine in it that many of us had a sneaking suspicion that they recycled the swimming pool water and gave it to us!! The rooms were abysmal and the bathrooms were … well... you can’t call them bathrooms cos there wasn’t any water for us to take bath in or to wash our faces or to even flush the toilet. It was a complete contrast to the Cochin hotel. At Cochin, me and my room-mates had the smallest room but at least there was running water in the bathroom.

I enjoyed myself quite a bit in Cochin especially in Veega Land. Veega Land had awesome rides and I rode the Space Ranger (the ride in which you go upside down and stay there for 5 seconds though it seems a lot more than that) nine times. By the time we left the amusement park, I was in a daze and I could hear stuff only 5 seconds after the person had said it.

I cleaned up, or at least tried to clean up the coast in Cochin, went on a cruise and got to drive the ship for 25 seconds or so and did some other stuff too which I am presently unable to remember. Oh yes, I also went to the place where Vasco da Gama was buried. Surprisingly he was a pretty short guy, around 4’ 11” maybe. Well anyway, my mind being in the dazed state that it was started making up lousy jokes with Vasco’s name. Following this line are the jokes that yours truly came up with to annoy the hell out of his fellow passengers:

How does Vasco da Gama’s nephew call him?
Vasco da Mama

What do you call Vasco da Gama if he meets with a car accident?
Vasco da Coma

Which was the first animal to go around the world?
Vasco da Llama

Who was the first mythological character to go around the world?
Vasco da Rama

Who was the wife of Vasco da Gama?
Vasco di Gama

Non-Vasco jokes:

Which was the only historical event which involved a toilet?
The Battle of Waterloo

Why did the idiot run to the news stand?
So that he could catch the Indian Express

What would be the name of a movie if it was made by BSNL?
Ponniyin CellOne

If you have suffered any mental trauma after reading these jokes, I don’t blame you. Many of my teachers and classmates had threatened to kill me in the most painful ways when I had told them these jokes.

I shall post all the camp pictures in The Society blog in a few days. So check that out if you have nothing to do.

P.S: What do you call a short French guy who is shot by a Russian cannon ball?
Napolean Blownaparte

Hey! Who threw that shoe on me!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Life rocks!!

Exams are over. I won't get my marks till the twelfth of October. I am leaving on a school camp to Kochi and Goa today. Could life get any better?

I was quite busy yesterday and today morning. Yesterday I had to do my packing and I hate to pack, the reason being-I don't know how to. I couldn't decide what to take and ended up putting everything into the suitcase. I spent half an hour looking for my favourite pant. I went through every closet, threw out every pant I had and I still couldn't find it. It was only after my mom pointed it out that I realised that I was wearing it (I didn't find it very funny then!!). Seems like a situation right out of that book "Three men in a boat" written by Jerome.K.Jerome. Well anywaay, today I had to go and invite schools to participate in our inter-school culturals. It was a tiring experience, especially finding the schools! Me and my friends spent four hours searching for some of the not-so-famous schools. We went looking for a school called Wesley using the directions one of our teachers gave us. We ended up in 'Saint Ebba's School for Women'. Heh. We also came across some priceless posters in some of the schools, like 'Always strive to speak in English' and of course 'Trespassers will not be allowed'. LOL! It was quite fun talking to the principals of the various schools especially one, who asked us all sorts of questions. We gave weird answers and ended up contradicting each other. She asked me,” Has it the school had got the order". I had no idea what she was talking about. So, I nodded. "The IMD agreed?” she asked. "Huh, ya, I guess" I said. "Very good!" she said. I smiled. "Ok, I will send my students to your culturals". "Oh, thanks a lot!!" I replied. The rest of the morning I stopped myself from giving foolish answers but I did call a male teacher 'Mam' (Well, he did smell like mallipoo (jasmine)!).

I won't be back from Goa until the first of October so unless there is a comp and an internet connection in the hotel I won't be able to post. Or I could write my next post in waterproof paper, drop it into the ocean, hope that a fish carries it to a technologically advanced fisherman who will put it on the net (No, not his fishing net, the internet!!!).

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Say Cheese!

What is it that always prevents me from having a proper photo taken of myself? All my passport sized photos have me scowling or tight lipped or giving a toothy grin which makes me look so alarmingly stupid. I can look nice in a photo- but the catch is that I shouldn't know that I'm being photographed. Since that never happens, I'm stuck with these terribly dumb pics. For my 12th standard hall ticket, I had to submit two passport sized photos to my teacher. I always feel that you do your board exams better if the picture in your hall ticket makes you feel assured and comforted (I had to keep my tenth standard hall ticket upside down to prevent myself from getting goosebumps). So I decided that I would go to the Kodak shop near my house and take a proper photo of myself for a change. I go into the dingy studio, look at my handsome self in the mirror and practise my smile much to the amusement of the photographer. Now, I've always considered these passport sized photo taking people to be big show-offs, always commenting about how my smile is weird and other such stuff. This guy wasn't any different. He asked me to sit on the broken stool and position myself properly. I was like "position myself? Huh?" and he was bright enough to notice my apparent ignorance in ‘positioning’ myself.

He pointed out to me that my hairstyle looked sick and advised me to do a middle parting similar to his. I kindly turned down his advice and asked him to take the photo quickly. He asked me to straighten my head. I lifted my head up with a sudden motion and this amused him. "Hahaha" he laughed annoyingly. In order to irritate him I went "Hehehehehehehehehehe" and he didn't appreciate that. He asked me to tilt my head towards the right but slightly to the left, little up, little down and straighten my back while crouching a little. Once I had sat in the right 'position' he asked me to smile. I honestly tried to, but I couldn't. I was surprised that I could still breathe, considering the uncomfortable 'position' I was in. He chuckled again at my lack of expression and I really wanted to strike him between his legs. He clicked the button thingy on his camera and the flash blinded me. By the time I had recovered my eye-sight, he had left.

The next day, I saw the photo and gasped. In the picture one of my eyes was closed and my mouth was wide open. Since I had buried my previous photos, I had to submit this one to my teacher. You should have seen the glee on her face when she saw my photo. So now I am forced to behave well in class, or else, I will have to face grave consequences like humiliation in front of my classmates!! I have still not stopped my search for that photographer though, and when I do, he isn't going to have a lot to smile about. We'll see who says "Cheeese" then. Hahahahahahaha!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Ahh, the pain we students suffer!

I've been having exams for the last week or so, and I've had to encounter a major problem - How to kill time once you've finished your exam one and a half hours before you are allowed to leave the classroom. I try to sleep but that never works cos the table is too bumpy. I try to look outside the door but there's nothing interesting ever happening. So, I open my pencil box and look for something to play with. I take out my compass and start poking my rubber until it is reduced to shreds. Then I take out my sharpener, put it on my scale and bang it so that it flies up and I can have some catching practice. But the fact is, the scale also flies up and falls down with a huge clatter which somehow doesn't amuse the invigilator. My pencil box was made in China(isn't everyone's?) and so it has the multiplication table written in Chinese on the inside of the lid. So I try deciphering that but I get bored in a couple of minutes. So I go back to the sleeping plan. I place my head normal to the plane of the bumpy surface, at an angle of 33 degrees to the depression which is parallel to the bumps yet inclined at an angle of 65 degrees to the dustbin which is north west to the table at a distance well suited to throw waste paper with minimum effort. By the time I position my head perfectly, the invidgulator drops a piece of twine on my head and I need to get up and tie my answer sheets. After that I just don't feel like going through the whole process of lying down and so I pick up my scale and try to split the head of the guy sitting in front of me into two by experimenting with the laws of refraction. After all this, there is still one more hour left and I am left wondering why I must suffer, even after finishing the exam.

This is a very troubling time for me and if any of you have any suggestons that would help me escape this predicament, please do tell. If any of your ideas work, I shall give you 680.007 Romanian Leis (it's money, not chips, if you're wondering). It's a lot of money(I beg you not to check a currency converter), so get working!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why restaurants hate me!

What's better than writing absolute,unmitigated(as one of my teachers would say) rubbish in the customer response cards given to you in restaurants? Nothing!! I always go crazy when I see the waiters coming up and giving these cards with the bill. I grab a pen and start writing down my honest views, in some other person's name obviously. But I always make sure that I give the proper address and telephone number of the person whose name I'm using. Otherwise, it's just cruel. Well anyway, I tick the "horrible" options most of the time because all these restaurants have people smoking in their invisible smoking rooms and also because the food, quite clearly, sucks. The fun part is filling up the suggestions column which is present in the card so that the restaurant can be made better. I don't care a damn about the restaurant, so I write weird letters to the owner or to whichever idiot who reads these cards.

An example:

I was born in the African jungles where was I fathered by a cheeta and mothered by an ostrich. I had a brother who was so hungry that he ate himself. The fact that I had covered him with honey helped the process a bit. My mother, the ostrich, thought that I had eaten my brother which was sad because I had only licked a bit of the honey. So she banished me from the African jungles and I went to Antarctica to cool off. There I was chased by a bear who had been frozen in a block of ice. Due to global warming the ice melted. I was combing my hair in front of the bear because I thought that the ice was a mirror. The bear thought that I was sending some signals to it and ran after me. I suggest that you do not comb your hair in front of an ice block because you may be attacked too. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Life is amazing. So, please call me because I want to discuss the complexities of the universe with you. I shall be leaving now. Till we meet again, durarambara!(which in ostrich tongue means, sod off.)

Doing these sort of things can be soooo fun, but I was caught in an iffy situation once. I had written a note making fun of the waiter's uniform and I was looking for the comments box to drop the note. Tne waiter told me that there was no comments box and grabbed the paper from me. I was immediately out of the restaurant and running for my life. My innocent friend though (he had no idea what I had written in the note)stood there in front of the waiter smiling at him waiting for a Thank You or a smile or whatever. He's pretty weird too. Anywaay, he was pretty miffed when he met me outside. The waiter had told him something quite the opposite of Thank you, more along the lines of well, say a Durarambara. He wasn't too pleased to see me rolling on the floor laughing either. He said something that sounded a lot like a Hardasasda(which in ostrich tongue means f*** off) and left angrily which made me laugh even harder.
Heh! I'm so jobless!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Les' Neuron

I was feeling incredibly bored the other day and so I thought that I would get rid of my boredom by making anagrams. For those who do not know what an anagram is, please click this link and you will be directed to Wikipedia, the best free encyclopaedia in the world who will do a better job of explaining it to you. Once you've done that come back here or else you shall suffer something so painful that you would rather watch Kolangal on Sun TV.

Here are my priceless anagrams:

1. Saddam Hussein: Asian sheds mud; Amassed Hindus; USA hands dimes

2. Sonia Gandhi: India's Hogan

3. Saurav Ganguly: Gay Naval Gurus

4.George W Bush: Whose bugger

5.Sachin Tendulkar: Clarke Hindustan (He is the Clarke Kent of India, a superman on the Cricket field-for those who do not know who Clarke Kent is, click on this link. For those who do not know who Sachin Tendulkar is, there is a wonderful place in Kilpauk where you can go and admit yourself.)

6.Tony Blair: Tiny Labor

7.Tom Cruise: I'm to curse

8.Manmohan Singh: Hangman Monish

9.Rajnikanth: I Thank Raj

10.Osama Bin Laden: Islamabad Neon

Ooops! My Cover's gone!

P.S: While I’m in hiding, post your own anagrams in the comment box if you want to or dare me to crack one. And try to crack the title of the post which happens to be an anagram too. It's quite easy!

Monday, September 05, 2005

A day in hell

Today our school celebrated Teacher's Day. A day when we students exchange places with our teachers and get a taste of the hell they go through every day. Yes, they get to play around in the field, and we the senior students have to take of the junior monkeys. I was in charge of a fourth standard class today and the kids exercised their vocal chords quite a bit during my brief stay there. The class consisted of a weird bunch of people who felt it was quite below their dignity to whisper to each other, though the class I was in was by far the quietest (you can imagine the plight of my other classmates). None of the students in my class wanted to take part in the quiz, I had enthusiastically planned for their entertainment. I had even brought my Bournvita Quiz Book : ( And to add to my woes, they kept pronouncing my name wrong. But I did manage to have some fun today. I got to use the school intercom system and see my teachers behaving like farm animals(not at the same time) . Watching them in the Adzap competition was fun too , though I did get royally snubbed in the rebuttal round by my Principal. At around 10:30 AM today, when I was in class 4"C", I suddenly felt the ground under me moving and the walls shaking. There was an incredibly audible chant of "We will, we will rock you" going around and the students started banging their tables in delight. It was total mayhem. The entire third floor was vibrating with the sound and all the students in my class ran out into the next classroom while I stood gaping at them. I felt that I had to assert my supremacy. So I went to the next class and glared at them. They suddenly stopped singing, well screaming would be a more appropriate term. There was a virtual stampede as the entire class rushed out and banged into me. All of them went back to their own classes and sat down quietly looking at me like they were these precious angels. I had had enough. So I said, "You guys are in big..." when suddenly from the intercom, "Students, please stand up for the prayer." The little rascals mumbled some incoherent rubbish you wouldn't call a prayer anywhere in this planet and as soon as the bell rang, they ran out, once again banging into me. 'Saved by the bell', I thought angrily to myself.

Kids these days have no sense of discipline. When I was their age, I was so nice to the people around me. Even if I banged into others, I would say a quick sorry before running away. I guess you have to undergo days like this in order to fully appreciate your teachers. To put it in simple words, Teachers rock!

Happy Teachers Day!!!

Friday, September 02, 2005

'Tiredness : To undergo depletion of strength, energy, spirit, interest, or patience' Yeah, tell me about it!

Ahh, yesterday was tiring. Had my computer science practicals and as soon as that got over I went off to see Mangal Pandey with 300 other school-mates in Ega theater. The day started off pretty sucky though, since I hadn't finished my computer science record and I hadn't studied for the practicals nor had I read the 148 viva questions. So it was a very weary, irritable me who woke up at 4 in the morning. I looked at the mirror and winced cos I had one more pimple on my forehead(thats three in total!) and my hair was growing so alarmingly fast that I thought that I looked like Aamir Khan in Mangal Pandey. Ironic isnt it, that I thought about that, and I happened to see that movie the same day. Well anyway, I spent 2 and a half hours with my comp book and went to school even more weary and even more irritable. I sat and finished my record in school but the unfortunate part was that I hadn't read my viva questions. So I enter the comp lab and finish my practicals in 15 minutes(had to hurry bcos one of my classmates entered during the exam and shouted out that the school was taking us to watch Mangal Pandey and all those who had finished the practicals could come). I sat down in front of the teacher ready to answer the Viva questions I hadn't studied for. I answered 3 right. Then she asked me what a primary key was. I had absolutely no idea what it was. So I tried to act clever and said "Maaaam, a primary key is .... used to open a primary lock!". My teacher didn't appreciate me being a smart alec and docked off a mark and chased me out of the room. So I was even more irritable and even more weary but I put that all behind cos I was going to watch Mangal Pandey!!

I reached Ega theater and thought, 'God!! Why did I come!!'. The theater smelt so bad, it felt as if I had entered a pig sty. The seats were probably made in 1857 and the hand rests ... well lets just say you can't rest your hand on it. I waited and waited and waited for the movie to start. After what seemed like an eternity the movie started and the whole school erupted. It was pretty funny when the students suddenly went "Uhh" when they saw the scene following the "Mangal, Mangal" song. I looked at the teachers sitting next to me with a sheepish grin and sat back thinking "Hee Hee". I'm not posting what happens cos this is a 'U' blog. Lets just say, it was more like manGAL Pandey. Okay, I know that was lame. Anway…The first half meandered along and I had no idea what the actors were saying. I seriously feel that Hindi movies should have subtitles. There didn't seem to be much about "The Rising" but more about Mangal, Gordon and the girls. After the intermission, the story sucked even more and I almost fell asleep when one of my classmates let out an ear-splitting whistle which nearly shattered my ear-drums. It was a good thing though, cos I was able to see the climax which was awesome only, I repeat only because of Aamir Khan and nothing else. Man, Aamir rocks. He was bloody brilliant. Toby Stephens was quite incredible as William Gordon but the screenplay was quite idiotic. I suggest that you see the movie only for Aamir Khan and the climax cos he is amazing in that.

So I walked out of the theater into the hot sun even more irritated and weary and slept for three hours as soon as I reached home. I woke up at 7 and saw my Chemistry teacher coming into my room. It was then that I realised exactly what Mr.Webster was saying when he wrote the word "tiredness" : (