Saturday, December 31, 2005

Me and music- Why would anyone put the two together!

When it comes to music, I consider myself to be a jack of all trades, but a master of none. My involvement with learning music goes a long way back. I was around seven when I was first compelled to put my vocal skills to proper use. I was always under the impression that speaking a lot about un-important stuff fitted that category. Unfortunately, the people around me thought differently. My parents decided that I should learn to sing and so I was enrolled in a music class comprising of two oily kids, one pompous twit who couldn't stop singing, and me and my 4 year old cousin. I hated sitting in that place for an hour just to make weird noises with my mouth when I could have been outside making underground tunnels in the sand. So, due to my lack of interest in singing, the most I learnt was the basic sa re ga ma.

It wasn't entirely my fault though. Going to the music class itself was a big ordeal for me. On the way to our music class, my cousin and I had to pass this house which owned a huge black dog and we were incredibly terrified by it. My cousin used to listen to whatever I told him (unfortunately, the situation's a bit different now) and I convinced him that dogs were nasty creatures that would bite you if you frowned at them. So to the amusement of everyone on the road, we would have this big smile plastered on our faces whenever we walked past that house and we would break into a run once we had lost sight of the dog.

Later, once I had quit my singing class, I tried learning the piano and mridangam. I found the piano classes to be terribly boring. I hated just sitting on a chair and punching a few keys (surprisingly that's what I'm doing now!) and so I quit that too. The only piece that I can still play on the keyboard is Vande Mataram, so that's definitely going to be there in my list of accomplishments.

Learning the mridangam was a stupid idea in the first place. I used to get tired as soon as I tapped the round parts on either side of the drum a few times and my fingers really hurt too. Plus, I didn’t like the fact that mridangams were made with the skin of cows. So that plan went out of the window too.

Thus my pathetic attempts at learning music turned out to be pretty futile and so I decided to give it up altogether. Yes, I can understand, it is a shocking decision, but people let's face it, music and I go as well together as George Bush and a pretzel.

Monday, December 26, 2005

'Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.' Huh?

If there is one thing I really really want to learn and if there is one thing I am really really pathetic at, it is dancing. Yup, I wouldn't be able to dance even if you stuffed a bag of ice down my back - I would do an ugly jiggle, yea that I would do, but that's about it. I have no shame in saying that my coordination (when it comes to dancing) is similar to that of a squid on roller skates and I unfortunately came to know about this only when I was in the ninth standard. I used to believe in the Japanese proverb, ‘We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance’ and so during the disco night that we had during our school camp, I decided to join in with the rest of my classmates. Unlike me, they could actually dance. I was foolish enough to think that I could move my body and make others think that I was not having a fit. I didn't know any dance steps and so I jumped. Ya, jumped like a kangaroo till I realised that being a spectator would be a better option for me.

Unfortunately I have failed to grasp the art of dancing despite trying my hand at it a few times(including the time I had to dance for the school play; that sob story is for another day) and so yesterday, I decided that I would create my own steps. Yes, steps that would astound and amaze, fascinate and inspire, yes, that was my plan. And I decided to implement that plan in the bathroom. You've heard of bathroom singers, I'm a bathroom dancer. Sometimes you get so involved in something that you forget to think. I was so involved with my plan that I forgot that in a bathroom there is water and in a bathroom there is a floor. You put both of them together- you have a deadly combo. I put my foot on the wet floor, slipped and fell, pretty painfully, on the toilet.

Sadly, I had to figure out that dancing was never going to be my cup of tea, the hard way- with a sprained leg and bruised arm.

P.S: And to all the sadists out there, the toilet seat was closed!

Friday, December 09, 2005

I scream because I ate Ice Cream : (

Today was technically the last working day of the twelfth standard for me and my classmates (we only have revision exams from now till that horrible month of March when we have to write the Bored Exams) and we made ice creams today in the Physics lab, well that was what we were hoping to do anyway. Making the ice cream was part of our Chemistry practicals (?) and if you did it properly you could earn as much as 10 marks. So we didn't want to mess up something as simple as making ice cream, did we? But mess up we did. Who knew that you had to add milk to make ice cream? We used two packets of custard powder, water and dairy milk 10 rupees chocolate and the end result was a very thick, grainy, semisolid yellow bleargh. I was especially disappointed because I had done a lot for the project (I had brought one kilo of sugar and I made sure that no one removed the ugly wet cloth that was kept on the ice cream machine to prevent the ice from melting) and after so much effort I will probably have a pretty severe stomach ache now :(

Nevertheless it was an interesting experience with tempers fraying, people fighting for a cup of ice cream and then spitting it out and some people putting salt on other people's ice cream (Who does stuff like that anyway??) I thought that school would end on a poignant note for me today (read line 1) but some idiot used the ice-cream machine and made some bleargh even worse than the previous bleargh and dumped it in my lunch box. So I had to clean that up and some of the bleargh fell on my uniform and I had to clean that's a long story which ended with me leaving school on a very grumpy note.

Well after today's experience I have new found respect for Baskin Robbins, Movenpick, and the like who, despite charging exorbitant amounts of money, at least give you ice cream that doesn’t taste like your own puke.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Kanda Naal Mudhal-Movie Review

An old formula reworked to suit the modern audience- that’s what makes Kanda Naal Mudhal special. From the very first scene the movie makes the audience feel comfortable. You can always expect something funny to come up and the movie makes you actually sit back and relax. Well actually I couldn't sit back due to the incredibly horrible theatre I went to. The seats were pathetic with all the foam inside coming out (it reminded me of my Mangal Pandey experience). But the good part is that you get to see all sorts of wacky people in these kinds of theaters where dancing and jumping up and down is not frowned upon. If only the seats were good…

Well, KNM basically revolves around two people-Krishna (Prasanna) and Ramya (Laila) who have had a hate-hate relationship for the past 20 years. But sometimes there can be a very fine line between love and hate and Director Priya V exploits that fact in this movie. Karthik Kumar as Arvind plays the unintentional catalyst that brings Ramya and Krishna together. There is also a side-story with Ramya’s sister, a topic that hasn’t been touched so far in Tamil films. There are some really good performances in this movie but Prasanna really stands out. He plays his role to perfection and you'll love his comic timing. Laila gave a very good performance too as the hot-headed Ramya. I liked Karthik Kumar's characterisation and he did justice to his role. Yuvan Shankar Raja has done a good job with the BGMs which are not all jarring.

The KNM team has done everything right so far with some awesome publicity (the hoardings look amazing), great timing of the release but most importantly, they have made a movie that you can sit back (seats permitting!) and enjoy.

My Verdict: 6.5/10

Sunday, November 27, 2005


Have you ever come across a game show that is so amazingly bleargh that you continue to watch it for the sole reason of ridiculing the contestants, the host and anything and everything that is associated with the show? Well I did-yesterday night. It was a show called Thanga Vaetai (Gold Hunt) and it was broadcast on Sun TV. It was hosted by Ramya Krishnan, once famous for playing a woman who stayed in her room for 20 years without having a bath. Yea, twenty years in the same nightie, and the movie ran for a 100 days. Talk about yuck, oh sorry, luck. Anyway the show was a pathetic one with two incredibly stupid teams competing for 200 grams of gold coins.

Each team had a small girl (maybe 11 or 12 years old) who was supposed to do the answering. The children would be helped by one of their team members who would give them clues using which they would have to find out the answer. Incredibly stupid rules, I thought, fearing what was going to happen next. The first question was, "Who wrote the National Anthem?". The first kid thought long and hard and came up with, "Mahatma Gandhi". Heh. The next question was "In which state was Anju Bobby George born?" The kid asked for a clue. Her mother told her that Cochin was a part of that state. The kid had a wonderful blank expression on her face. Ramya Krishnan, the host, told her that the people in that state spoke Malayalam. The kid was stumped. Maybe the kid was following that famous proverb, "It is better to shut up and let people think that you have an IQ of 0.073 than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". An ideal clue for that question would have been, "The answer begins with Ke, has the letters ra in the middle and ends with la." She did not know who invented the telephone despite being told that the inventor's last name was Bell and to end things on a positive note, to the question, "In which state in India, did an earthquake occur recently?" she answered 'Africa'. The other kid wasn't great either. She did not know Rajiv Gandhi's son's name inspite of her mother telling her that it was the first name of the Indian Cricket Captain, Dravid.

The show did not make sense to me. If you allow contestants to give clues that are actually part of the answer and you choose contestants who are not even able to figure that out, you're just making fools of the people who are participating and of the audience who are taking great efforts to sit through the idiotic show for half an hour.

Ahh yes, I was tagged by Hobbes and so here are the

Seven things I plan to do:
1. Finish reading, "The restaurant at the End of the Universe".
2. Get over my fear of dogs.
3. Learn to ride a motorbike.
4. Study for my boards.
5. Go to a good college.
6. Persist with my braces for a year.
7. And publish a book filled with utter nonsense so that it will become an International bestseller making me the richest man in the world.

Seven things I can do:
1. Sleep
2. Talk
3. SMS weird stuff
4. Climb stairs two steps at a time.
5. Blog
6. Watch an episode of Thanga Vaettai.
7. Exercise my right of free speech.

Seven things I can't do:
1. Exercise
2. Watch a 'Gaptain' movie.
3. Dance
4. Whistle in a theatre.
5. Stop talking.
6. Win at chess.
7. Understand the plots in Bold and the Beautiful.

P.S: Whoever wants to be tagged, SMS ‘tag’ to your cell number and consider yourself tagged. Anyone who SMSs me with the keyword ‘tag’ shall be sneezed on.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire - Movie Review

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire was a good movie, but a tad bit disappointing when you compare it to its wonderful prequel, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Converting a 636 page book into a two and a half hour movie was always going to be a difficult task and in his effort to fit almost all the events of the book into the movie, Director Mike Newell failed to bring out the nuances of some of the wonderful chapters in the book.

Sadly, we do not get a glimpse of the Bulgarians playing the Irish in the Quidditch World Cup as we are immediately taken to the attack of the Death eaters and the conjuring of the Death Mark. The first half of the movie was quite loose in its screenplay but the second half was brilliant. It was an incredibly absorbing hour post-interval and for me, the second half saved the movie. The Tri-Wizard tournament was beautiful and all the three tasks were a treat to watch. I would be very surprised if this movie does not win an Oscar for Best Special Effects. The graphics were out of this world, especially the entry of the Durmstrang ship.

The casting for this movie was excellent with Robert Pattinson as Cedric Diggory and Stanislav Ianevski as Viktor Krum doing great justice to their roles. Brendan Gleeson was awesome as Mad-Eye Moody but his eye looked too much like a table tennis ball. Oliver and James Phelps as the Weasley twins were a hit with the audience once again. Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) and Emma Watson (Hermione Granger) had small roles but they did a decent job. Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) was surprisingly good and did really well in the graveyard scene. The biggest let-down for me was Albus Dumbledore's (played by Michael Gambon) characterisation. JK Rowling, in the book, describes Dumbledore as an unflinching person even in the greatest of difficulties and also as someone who holds a commanding presence. He was anything but that in the movie. Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort-Perfect!

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire- a good movie with few amazing scenes and some tremendously well done special effects, a definite must see if you’ve ever heard about ‘The Boy Who Lived’.

My Verdict: 6.5/10

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Anything's probable

Probability is such an interesting yet complex topic. I can figure out so many different things using probability like how much I'll probably get in my next Maths test (Heh, guess you don't need to know probability for that), the number of boundaries that Sachin Tendulkar may hit and of course, most importantly, the number of heads I'll get if I toss a coin 200 times. But the sad part is that I find probability tough. I don't know why, most people find it quite easy, but then it is probable that I am unlike others (and otters too). With so many confusing formulae including the one created by this really nerdy Swiss dude called Bernoulli (his name would sound awesome if you add the word noodles at the end. Just think about it, 'Bernoulli Noodles' - Ready to eat in nCx(p^x)q^(n-x) minutes). Plus this year I have to learn all sorts of new stuff like continuous random variables, cumulative distribution, Binomial distribution... the list is endless! I have to remember tons of weird terms and the only thing I realise after 'n' mind-boggling minutes (where n=1,2,3,4...) of trying out each sum is that the probability of me finding out the answer to the problem is ZERO. This can be quite disheartening because the question always seems so simple.

For example, 'If you put your hand into a pink cotton bag having 10 red balls, 13 white balls and 6 raccoons, what is the probability of you picking one red ball, two white balls and a raccoon three consecutive times without replacement ?". This problem seems so simple at first sight. But then I think about it, try out the various permutations and combinations and arrive at an answer so far away from the 'back-of-the-textbook-answer' that I can't help but look at the person behind me and copy the answer before the teacher comes to my desk. Probability is basically guessing what is going to happen in the future and I can safely guess that if I don't start working out the Probability problems in my textbook, my Maths marks are going to take a dip. So, from tomorrow, with the proverb, “Practice makes perfect” deeply entrenched in my mind, I am going to crack probability and figure out what the hell Bernoulli meant when he famously said, “Let X be a binomially distributed variable”.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Brace yourself!

This has been such an incredibly torrid week. I unfortunately had to put on braces because the Dentist spooked me out saying that all my teeth will start shaking when I'm 35 if I don't take some immediate action. See, when you think about this in the safety of your home, it really seems like something that would not happen. But when you're lying on that reclining chair in the Dentist's clinic (He spells it Clinik though, heh) with that small light on top of the attached arm of the chair flashing right at your eyes and you think about all the horrible things that will happen if your teeth start going 'It's the time to Disco!', you suddenly feel that wearing braces seems to be a very good idea. I also somehow forgot about my previous attempt at wearing braces when I fled from the Dentist's Clinic (this one was spelt Clinic, the traditional way) as soon as I had two of my teeth removed. So I gave the dentist the thumbs-up and wished him the best of luck for fixing my teeth. Sob!

First he plucked two more teeth and then placed a yucky green coloured bubble-gum mixture in my mouth so that he could take a mould of my teeth. It was a painful experience as I suddenly realised that with this green gum stuck in my mouth, I couldn't breathe as well as I normally do. It was scary because I wanted the dentist to remove it but he had his back turned towards me. Well anyway, I survived that, obviously, or else I wouldn't be writing this, will I? I guess things were going pretty smoothly till Monday when suddenly these ghastly ulcers popped into my mouth due to my allergic reaction with the anaesthetic injection. So my braces kept hitting against the ulcers and this resulted in a huge fight between the two and they still haven't resolved their issues.

I was in so much pain that I couldn't talk and I hate not talking. Whenever I tried to open my mouth, my ulcers would hurt and when I tried to laugh it would hurt more. Some insensitive classmates of mine thought it would be fun to make me laugh and then see me double up in pain. So much for sympathy. To add to my woes, I had my midterms this week and I couldn't study with the Crusades taking place in my mouth.

The Dentist says that my mouth will be back to normal in a few days and I can only hope that he's right.

P.S: What do you call an animal shaped like a tooth?

A molar bear.

(You can send in your slippers to The Fourth Umpire, Doordarshan Bhawan,Copurnicus Marg,New Delhi 110001- seriously, that's where I live).

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Is it a year already?

Tuesday, November 08, 2004

Want Advice?
Don't ASK

Can u beat me in Yahoo Pool? I
DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON!!!!

posted by Neon at
9:56 AM 1 comments

This was the first post that I posted in this blog, exactly 365 days ago. The only reason I created this blog was to find out how my sister actually found it interesting to write stuff on a website and read about what other people thought about it. She had a livejournal account and so being the do-the-complete-opposite-of-what-your-sibling-does person that I was, I opted for blogger. I decided that I would challenge people to beat me at Yahoo Pool through my blog but I failed miserably in that attempt(who wouldn't with such a stupid post!). It was a while, about five months, before I really thought seriously about writing properly. I was inspired to write my first more-than-four-lines-post after watching two incredibly horrendous TV shows and since then I've been addicted to blogging, an addiction I don't mind at all. Blogging has helped me so much; it's made me much more self-confident and assertive and it's also helped me make new friends. I never thought that I would actually continue persisting with this blog for a whole year but amazingly I have. It's been so much fun writing and after what's been a pretty good year, I can finally wish my blog, "Happy Birthday!".

P.S: That Yahoo Pool challenge is still on ; )

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Majaa Movie Review

On Deepavali, I saw Majaa, first day first show. It was my 1st first day first show experience but sadly it was not that exciting. I was the only one even attempting to whistle at the Screen 5 theater in the Mayajaal Multiplex. One kid kept looking back angrily at me hoping that I would stop making pressure cooker noises. So I shut up and watched the movie silently :(

Majaa was a truly commercial film with fight sequences, fantasy songs, Gemini style hand signals and of course Vikram and Asin(the only two reasons why people will go to see the movie). This movie reminded me of some of the early eighties movies which come on Sun TV at 2'O clock everyday, masala flicks without logical storylines. I don't mind seeing masala flicks but this one isn't even good in that respect. The comedy is not great and the songs are incredibly mediocre. The fight sequences are good but that's all there is to this movie. Asin comes and goes in a Scoda Octavia without making much of an impact and I really hated her characterisation. Vikram does a good job as the thief/rowdy Madhi and he is well assisted by Pasupathi and Manivannan who act as his brother and father respectively. The main problem with this movie was the lack of a good storyline. It also had an abrupt ending with all the characters patching up and dancing on top of a mountain. Heh, that was a funny scene :) Overall, I feel it's worth giving this film a miss.

My Verdict: 4.5/10 (Watch it only if you are incredibly bored)

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Shopping Theorems

Shopping for clothes is an ordeal especially when you go to a factory outlet three days before Deepavali. It is also an annoying experience when the shop employees who are supposed to be helping you find the right clothes, act like almighty snobs. I had taken three shirts into the dressing room but I was called out and scolded for taking too many clothes in. I took three shirts! Into a dressing room! They said that I could try out only one shirt and see whether it fits. They felt that if I tried out anymore clothes, they would in some inconceivable way be losing out on business. It is an interesting argument. The more number of clothes you try on, the less you'll buy a k a the idiot’s inverse theorem. If it makes sense to any of you, please explain their logic to this unfortunate ignoramus.

So, left with no choice, I took one shirt in and fortunately it fit. I rejected the other two shirts and the, ahem, helper guy gave me an ugly stare which I joyfully returned. I asked him to guide me to the Formals section and he made a valiant attempt to smile mockingly at me (He looked as if he was having gastric problems). He, like many others, failed to realise the fact that I was 16 years old. So he asked me, “Are you shopping for your father?” Old memories came flooding back into my mind but I managed to push them away. I just nodded; felt that there was no use contradicting a doof. Buying formals was even more difficult because I could try out only two pants and this being the first time I was buying formal pants, I wanted more choice. Well anyway, I finished my shopping and took out my wallet to pay the bill and I noticed the whooping 30% discount on all the clothes. An awesome sight. Yes, it was a factory outlet and an unfriendly one at that, but still 30% discount! All this made me formulate my own set of theorems:

1. The worse the helper guys are, the bigger the discounts.
2. My age is inversely proportional to my physical appearance.
3. And of course, bigger the purchase, lighter the wallet :(

Friday, October 28, 2005

What a day!

Picture Courtesy: Random Useless Thoughts

42 cm of rainfall in 40 hours! In Chennai! Weird. After years of praying for rain, the weather gods finally answered our prayers.... and compensated for all the drought years by giving 42 cms of rainfall!!!!!!!! I was lucky though, not much of a flooding crisis near my house, so the electricity wasn't switched for most of the time. One of my friends hasn't had electricity for the past 30 hours. Compared to him, I'm living in paradise. Srirangam is almost submerged but the one good thing about all this rain is that we won't have any more water shortage issues for a long, long time. Today I had gone to the Doctor's office and on the way I saw a pretty unusual sight. The Chinmaya Nagar lake had risen up so much that you couldn't make out which was the lake and which was the road. Pretty scary stuff, especially when you consider the fact that the lake is more than 20 feet deep. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. Well, I just hope Tamil Nadu gets back on its feet pretty quickly and I also hope that the water on the roads gets cleared up so that people can have their electricity back.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

What the BCCI stands for

Very recently there was a meeting regarding the spat between Saurav Ganguly, the Indian Cricket Captain and Greg Chappel, the Indian Cricket Coach. It was chaired by Ranbir Singh Mahendra, the President of BCCI. Following this line is what I believe happened in that meeting.

Mahendra: Good Morning gentlemans. We are haveeng thees meeting today to find a solutions for thees problem.

Ravi: I suggest Grammar classes.

Mahendra: Excuse me Ravi! I was meaning finding the solutions for India losing the matches and the settling of dispute between the Greg Chappal...

Greg: Its Chappel mate!

Mahendra: That is what I said. As I was in the saying, the settling of dispute between Greg Chappal and Saurav Ganguly. That is why I have called Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Srinivas Venkatraghavan to help me find solutions. Let us start with Ravi. Give solution.

Ravi: Saurav, why did you go public with the issue involving you and Greg?

Saurav: Hmm, the boys did not play well today. It was a bad day in the office for us. The boys did not score enough runs nor take enough wickets. The boys...

Ravi: Saurav, I must remind you that this is not an after-match presentation ceremony.

Saurav: Uhhh, sorry Ravi. I...

Greg: He's practised that speech a lot in recent times.

Ravi: Greg, I would prefer it if this meeting went off peacefully.

Greg: Whatever, mate.

Saurav: Ravi, it irked me that someone would ask me to give up my captaincy despite me being the most successful captain for India.

Sunil: Yes Saurav, you are the most successful captain but that has nothing to do with you washing dirty linen in public.

Mahendra: Saurav, I didn't know that you wash your own dirty clothes. I was in the thinking that you gave it to the laundarary service.

Sunil: Oh God! It's a saying, Mahendra, like crying over spilt milk.

Mahendra: Oh, you mean due to water problems you are adding water to your milk by crying?

Sunil: Crying over spilt milk is an idiom!

Mahendra: You are calling me an idiot!!

Sunil: Uhhh, Greg, What do you think about this mess? I mean the spat between you and Saurav.

Greg: I feel that it was an issue blown way out of proportion. It was just a talk that I had had with Saurav dealing with team selection and it was a talk that should have been kept within the dressing room.

Venkat: Do you think that a coach can ask a Captain to step down?

Greg: Why not? If Saurav's not performing, he shouldn't play.

Saurav: Huhum, Excuse me Greg, I did score a century against Zimbabwe.

Greg: Mate, Geoffrey Boycott's mum could score a century against Zimbabwe..blindfolded!

Mahendra: Wow! Very talented mother. Mine is very good in the making of the aloo parathas. She also make good milk sweets. I think you will like them Sunil. It isn't made with the cried milk you were in the talking about.

Sunil: Oh...good.

Saurav: Greg, A century is a century, whether it is scored against Australia or whether it is scored against Zimbabwe.

Greg: You wouldn't score a century against Australia, mate. They are awesome when it comes to bowling short pitched stuff and you run towards square leg whenever you see a ball coming waist high or above.

Mahendra: Greg, you can't blame Saurav for that. They say they'll ball short pitch and they ball very high balls. Shouldn't they call it tall pitch balling?

Greg: I can see why Indian Cricket is in shambles.

Ravi: Saurav, you haven't performed consistently for two and a half years now and India hasn't been faring well too. Why should you continue to stay at the helm?

Saurav: The boys are not playing to their potential. They haven't performed when required but I believe that this is a temporary phase.

Greg: You didn't answer the question mate.

Saurav: I did Greg.

Greg: No, you didn't!

Saurav: Yes, I did!

Greg: No, you didn't!

Saurav: Yes, I did!

Mahendra: Ooo, this is vaery exiting.

Venkat: Exciting, you mean?

Mahendra: Yes, that is what I said.

Sunil: Saurav, why do you deserve to be Captain?

Saurav: I am the most successful Indian captain.

Sunil: You already said that.

Ravi: Remember Saurav, even good captains have an expiry date.

Mahendra: Even the Dates I had boughten yesterday had an expiry date.

Ravi: Saurav, give me a proper answer. There's no use beating around the bush.

Mahendra: Ravi, why are you breenging the George Bush into this? Let us stick to Cricket.

Sunil gives a sympathizing look to Ravi.

Ravi: Saurav, tell me why you went public with your problems with Greg and why you merit a place in the Indian Cricket team despite your poor performance with the bat.

Saurav: The boys... Hmm... You know, the boys...I did score a century against Zimbabwe... Uhhh.. The boys?

Mahendra: I say, give him a life line. Phone-a-friend. Call Jagmohan bhai, Saurav.

Greg: Listen mates, Indian Cricket isn't going to go anywhere if we are going to be afraid to drop players just because of their past records. We need to be fair to all the Cricketers in India. You don't perform, you ain't gonna get picked. Simple.

Venkat: Greg, wouldn't it have been in the best interest of the team if you had kept this talk with Saurav after the tour was over? An unhappy captain is not good for the team morale.

Greg: A non-performing captain is also not good for the team morale!

Saurav scowls.

Mahendra: Excuse me Gentlemans, it is time for tea break now. We don't seems to be settling dispute here. Why don't we just shake hand and call juice?

Sunil(indignantly): You mean truce!

Mahendra: No I mean juice only. I am very thirsty.

This is just a mockery of what occurs in the BCCI conferences but I suspect that it is pretty close to the actual happenings. The BCCI is a pretty pathetic organization. I am not talking about the money making bit. I am talking about the way they handle problems. I also feel that instead of having honorary members they should have paid employees. The theory that “They should do it for the love of Cricket” is just bs. The truth is you get more work and better work done if you pay your workers and the BCCI aren’t in any ways short of money. As I read in a magazine recently, BCCI really stands for, “Board of Cricket Controversies in India”.

Monday, October 17, 2005

It's all relative

It's always interesting isn't it, when relatives come to visit… especially when you can't remember who they are. I feel quite embarrassed when I stand before someone I'm sure I've met before, but not sure where, when and why. The faces of the relatives always seem familiar and I can escape with some pleasantries but the trouble starts when they ask annoying questions like, "Naan yarunnu theriyitha? (Do you know who I am?)" Or "Balu ippo un class dhaan (Balu is studying in the same class as you)". The second question can be tackled if you quickly nod your head but if you start thinking about who the hell Balu is, then you're screwed. The first question cannot be dealt with unless you know the person's exact name including the exact relationship you share with him/her like "mama/maami", "chitappa,chitti", "onnu vitta chitappa/onnu vitta chitti".( I never really understand why people call other people "onnu vitta" and other such crap. I used to think that my onnu vitta chittappas were famous for urinating). Most of the time I know only their name or only the relation terminology (RT) that follows their name but sometimes I manage to forget both. Recently a very close relative of ours had come to our house. I would have called him by his name and his RT even if he had woken me up at 1 in the morning (I would have said something foul to him, but still I would have called him by his name). Unfortunately he had shaved his moustache, his identification mark and I figured out to my displeasure that removing your moustache can make a hell of a lot of difference to your face.

My grandmother asked me,"Idhu yarunnu theriyitha da?". I opened and closed my mouth several times. I went "Uhh, ya....uhhh" and was starting to feel immensely uncomfortable. He suddenly gave me a pat on the back. I decided that I had to make the best use of the opportunity and I started howling in pain. I told my shocked grandmother and my equally shocked relative that he had tapped me in the exact place where I had gotten hurt in the morning while playing in school. I ran upstairs, still howling, and when I was out of earshot, I gave a huge sigh of relief and followed that with my evil laugh. This was only the first part of my master plan. To complete the second part, I needed the help of my sister. I went and told her that a very close relative of ours had come and that he wanted to meet her. She took the bait and went down. My grandmother asked her the same question she asked me and my sis gave her the same answer that she always gives to anyone who asks her that question, "Umm, theriyala (Umm, I have no clue)". I covered my face with a pillow (I was eavesdropping you know) to stop myself from giving out a huge snort. He introduced himself to her and I came down almost immediately and went, "#$^@$^ mama! How are you!!” He gaped at me with a confused look and asked, "What happened to your back pain?". Oops. So being the incredibly spontaneous person that I am, I ran up again, howling, "Ahh, my back!", tripped and fell flat on my face. If only Einstein had created a "Theory of Relatives" giving tips on how to dodge them, our world would have been so much more happier.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

It's over...

ORCA is over. It seems too simple a statement to say and the truth feels soooo painfully blunt. But all the effort we put in was worth it cos ORCA was a success! I enjoyed myself throughout the two incredibly short days which was a complete contrast to the two extremely long weeks preceding the culturals when we worked our behinds off. It was an unforgettable experience for me- the chance to be the MC, to organise 3 events, to handle LA was absolutely brilliant! I loved typing all sorts of rubbish on the message board (an idea copied from the PSBB culturals but we made no qualms about accepting that) and making fun of the contestants, especially the ones who had these annoying fake accents. I had a blast during the first round of VJ Wannabe, slept during the second round (I blame the food), and woke up and had a blast again in the third round. The awesome part was when John Britto said that the message board rocked. Yay!

The Riddle Wreck and Kryptobyte competitions were zimply zuperb. Aakar Dhoom Machale (Family Fortunes) had some hiccups but overall it was awesome- the audience really liked it. We had S.J Suryah as the Chief Guest for the inauguration. Heh. And Kareena Kapoor as the Chief Guest for the Valedictory Ceremony (No heh's there!). I got to wear a suit and all but unfortunately Kareena couldn't see me cos I came too late for the closing ceremony. Maybe Kareena will be luckier some other time.

Hey stop throwing slippers on me!!

ORCA was such a fun experience for me, incredibly tiring yet so enjoyable… and now… it’s over. ORCA is over, but I’m glad, glad that I was a part of it.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Shaktimaaaaaan! Why fear when he and his glowing red costume are there!

I was so jobless the other day that I sat down in front my TV and saw Shaktimaan on POGO. Yes, Shaktimaan, the only superhero who doesn’t wear his underpants outside his costume. I think the episode I saw was the first ever Shaktimaan episode. I found out how Shaktimaan was born. He was an ordinary orphan boy who was given special “shakti” by this foreign saamiyar who lives on some planet very far away from the earth. You can go there only if you’re Shaktimaan, because he is the only person who has the power to summon a bubble that can withstand the forces of the universe yet remain beautifully transparent.

Fortunately I got to see some beautiful fight sequences between the foreign saamiyar and the evil guy (he is an absolutely revolting person with a green face but shows a wide range of emotions; he always looks like he wants to shit). They use their light sabers (and they say George Lucas invented those glowing sticks!) to fight but it looked more like a dandiya dance to me. Suddenly the foreign saamiyar’s stick flies away and the evil guy shows his evil grin. The saamiyar looks at him with quiet confidence (Who wouldn’t? The evil guy looks like he’s gonna pee any minute!). The evil guy blabbers something about how he doesn’t fight unfairly and asks the foreign saamiyar to go pick up his weapon. Yeah right, an evil guy with moral values! The stupid saamiyar believes the evil guy and goes over to pick up his weapon. The evil guy strikes him with his saber and the saamiyar disappears and only his dhoti is seen lying on the floor. That was a pretty tricky manoeuvre, I must admit, taking off your dhoti and dying at the same time. No wonder POGO advises its viewers not to try out these stunts at home. You have to have serious talent to pull out tricks like that! Now, the saamiyar is not completely dead because he continues to speak to the evil guy about how he has set a master plan to get rid of him. Now we are shown a close up of the evil guy trying desperately hard to shit but it seems like he has constipation. With that priceless expression put on freeze mode, the episode ends.

I just realized something. In this show, the tutor of the hero fights with a light saber, dies leaving his clothes behind, but still continues to help his student by providing shakti(powerful force)... Can you not see the similarities? George Lucas ripped off Shaktimaan!!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I thought holidays were supposed to be fun :(

I have so many things to do but I have so little time! My SAT exam is on the 8th and I haven't done much revision at all; I have to finish my records by the 11th and I haven't written much at all; I have Maths tuition tomorrow morning and I haven’t begun to look for my Maths notebooks. And it’s supposed to be holiday time now!

I've been roaming all over the city for the past couple of days hunting for sponsors for our inter-school culturals. It's been an interesting experience but the awesome part was meeting L.Balaji (the incredibly talented fast bowler) at Limelite (the incredibly expensive hair salon). He was so tall that I looked like a midget standing next to him. Not that I am tall, but still...
Anywaay, I got his autograph and took a picture with him. He didn’t talk much, but I didn’t mind, cos he took a picture with me ,.. rather I took a picture with him! I do look kinda stupid in it what with my mouth wide open and all but I don’t care- a picture with a celebrity is a picture with a celebrity!

I have learnt a lot in the past coupla days like how sponsor hunting can have its tough moments like trying to keep a straight face when you’re talking to a 30 year old guy whose voice hasn’t cracked or when you go into a music store and you’re unable to get the headphones off your ears. But overall it’s an exciting task - talking to people whom you have never seen before, persuading them to invest in your cultural event and then going to Movenpick on top and having a Cheese sandwich.

Now I have to go and write my mock SAT test. The SAT is such an incredibly annoying exam with all these annoying sections and these annoying answer sheets which you have to shade and shade and shade for FOUR hours and thinking about all this makes me feel annoyed and I really want to sleep! My annoyance level just increased now cos I saw a picture I took during camp. If you feel like venting out your views on it in the comment box, you are more than welcome to do so.

The museum officer has even taken the effort to highlight the word "HINDU". And we say that our country is secular...

Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm Back!

I'm back. After 9 gruelling days of train journeys and visits to countless beaches I'm back. It was an interesting and eventful camp though. I had fun but the stay in the Goan hotel (Old Anchor Resort) was nightmarish. Almost all of us fell sick due to the water the hotel supplied. It had so much chlorine in it that many of us had a sneaking suspicion that they recycled the swimming pool water and gave it to us!! The rooms were abysmal and the bathrooms were … well... you can’t call them bathrooms cos there wasn’t any water for us to take bath in or to wash our faces or to even flush the toilet. It was a complete contrast to the Cochin hotel. At Cochin, me and my room-mates had the smallest room but at least there was running water in the bathroom.

I enjoyed myself quite a bit in Cochin especially in Veega Land. Veega Land had awesome rides and I rode the Space Ranger (the ride in which you go upside down and stay there for 5 seconds though it seems a lot more than that) nine times. By the time we left the amusement park, I was in a daze and I could hear stuff only 5 seconds after the person had said it.

I cleaned up, or at least tried to clean up the coast in Cochin, went on a cruise and got to drive the ship for 25 seconds or so and did some other stuff too which I am presently unable to remember. Oh yes, I also went to the place where Vasco da Gama was buried. Surprisingly he was a pretty short guy, around 4’ 11” maybe. Well anyway, my mind being in the dazed state that it was started making up lousy jokes with Vasco’s name. Following this line are the jokes that yours truly came up with to annoy the hell out of his fellow passengers:

How does Vasco da Gama’s nephew call him?
Vasco da Mama

What do you call Vasco da Gama if he meets with a car accident?
Vasco da Coma

Which was the first animal to go around the world?
Vasco da Llama

Who was the first mythological character to go around the world?
Vasco da Rama

Who was the wife of Vasco da Gama?
Vasco di Gama

Non-Vasco jokes:

Which was the only historical event which involved a toilet?
The Battle of Waterloo

Why did the idiot run to the news stand?
So that he could catch the Indian Express

What would be the name of a movie if it was made by BSNL?
Ponniyin CellOne

If you have suffered any mental trauma after reading these jokes, I don’t blame you. Many of my teachers and classmates had threatened to kill me in the most painful ways when I had told them these jokes.

I shall post all the camp pictures in The Society blog in a few days. So check that out if you have nothing to do.

P.S: What do you call a short French guy who is shot by a Russian cannon ball?
Napolean Blownaparte

Hey! Who threw that shoe on me!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Life rocks!!

Exams are over. I won't get my marks till the twelfth of October. I am leaving on a school camp to Kochi and Goa today. Could life get any better?

I was quite busy yesterday and today morning. Yesterday I had to do my packing and I hate to pack, the reason being-I don't know how to. I couldn't decide what to take and ended up putting everything into the suitcase. I spent half an hour looking for my favourite pant. I went through every closet, threw out every pant I had and I still couldn't find it. It was only after my mom pointed it out that I realised that I was wearing it (I didn't find it very funny then!!). Seems like a situation right out of that book "Three men in a boat" written by Jerome.K.Jerome. Well anywaay, today I had to go and invite schools to participate in our inter-school culturals. It was a tiring experience, especially finding the schools! Me and my friends spent four hours searching for some of the not-so-famous schools. We went looking for a school called Wesley using the directions one of our teachers gave us. We ended up in 'Saint Ebba's School for Women'. Heh. We also came across some priceless posters in some of the schools, like 'Always strive to speak in English' and of course 'Trespassers will not be allowed'. LOL! It was quite fun talking to the principals of the various schools especially one, who asked us all sorts of questions. We gave weird answers and ended up contradicting each other. She asked me,” Has it the school had got the order". I had no idea what she was talking about. So, I nodded. "The IMD agreed?” she asked. "Huh, ya, I guess" I said. "Very good!" she said. I smiled. "Ok, I will send my students to your culturals". "Oh, thanks a lot!!" I replied. The rest of the morning I stopped myself from giving foolish answers but I did call a male teacher 'Mam' (Well, he did smell like mallipoo (jasmine)!).

I won't be back from Goa until the first of October so unless there is a comp and an internet connection in the hotel I won't be able to post. Or I could write my next post in waterproof paper, drop it into the ocean, hope that a fish carries it to a technologically advanced fisherman who will put it on the net (No, not his fishing net, the internet!!!).

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Say Cheese!

What is it that always prevents me from having a proper photo taken of myself? All my passport sized photos have me scowling or tight lipped or giving a toothy grin which makes me look so alarmingly stupid. I can look nice in a photo- but the catch is that I shouldn't know that I'm being photographed. Since that never happens, I'm stuck with these terribly dumb pics. For my 12th standard hall ticket, I had to submit two passport sized photos to my teacher. I always feel that you do your board exams better if the picture in your hall ticket makes you feel assured and comforted (I had to keep my tenth standard hall ticket upside down to prevent myself from getting goosebumps). So I decided that I would go to the Kodak shop near my house and take a proper photo of myself for a change. I go into the dingy studio, look at my handsome self in the mirror and practise my smile much to the amusement of the photographer. Now, I've always considered these passport sized photo taking people to be big show-offs, always commenting about how my smile is weird and other such stuff. This guy wasn't any different. He asked me to sit on the broken stool and position myself properly. I was like "position myself? Huh?" and he was bright enough to notice my apparent ignorance in ‘positioning’ myself.

He pointed out to me that my hairstyle looked sick and advised me to do a middle parting similar to his. I kindly turned down his advice and asked him to take the photo quickly. He asked me to straighten my head. I lifted my head up with a sudden motion and this amused him. "Hahaha" he laughed annoyingly. In order to irritate him I went "Hehehehehehehehehehe" and he didn't appreciate that. He asked me to tilt my head towards the right but slightly to the left, little up, little down and straighten my back while crouching a little. Once I had sat in the right 'position' he asked me to smile. I honestly tried to, but I couldn't. I was surprised that I could still breathe, considering the uncomfortable 'position' I was in. He chuckled again at my lack of expression and I really wanted to strike him between his legs. He clicked the button thingy on his camera and the flash blinded me. By the time I had recovered my eye-sight, he had left.

The next day, I saw the photo and gasped. In the picture one of my eyes was closed and my mouth was wide open. Since I had buried my previous photos, I had to submit this one to my teacher. You should have seen the glee on her face when she saw my photo. So now I am forced to behave well in class, or else, I will have to face grave consequences like humiliation in front of my classmates!! I have still not stopped my search for that photographer though, and when I do, he isn't going to have a lot to smile about. We'll see who says "Cheeese" then. Hahahahahahaha!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Ahh, the pain we students suffer!

I've been having exams for the last week or so, and I've had to encounter a major problem - How to kill time once you've finished your exam one and a half hours before you are allowed to leave the classroom. I try to sleep but that never works cos the table is too bumpy. I try to look outside the door but there's nothing interesting ever happening. So, I open my pencil box and look for something to play with. I take out my compass and start poking my rubber until it is reduced to shreds. Then I take out my sharpener, put it on my scale and bang it so that it flies up and I can have some catching practice. But the fact is, the scale also flies up and falls down with a huge clatter which somehow doesn't amuse the invigilator. My pencil box was made in China(isn't everyone's?) and so it has the multiplication table written in Chinese on the inside of the lid. So I try deciphering that but I get bored in a couple of minutes. So I go back to the sleeping plan. I place my head normal to the plane of the bumpy surface, at an angle of 33 degrees to the depression which is parallel to the bumps yet inclined at an angle of 65 degrees to the dustbin which is north west to the table at a distance well suited to throw waste paper with minimum effort. By the time I position my head perfectly, the invidgulator drops a piece of twine on my head and I need to get up and tie my answer sheets. After that I just don't feel like going through the whole process of lying down and so I pick up my scale and try to split the head of the guy sitting in front of me into two by experimenting with the laws of refraction. After all this, there is still one more hour left and I am left wondering why I must suffer, even after finishing the exam.

This is a very troubling time for me and if any of you have any suggestons that would help me escape this predicament, please do tell. If any of your ideas work, I shall give you 680.007 Romanian Leis (it's money, not chips, if you're wondering). It's a lot of money(I beg you not to check a currency converter), so get working!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why restaurants hate me!

What's better than writing absolute,unmitigated(as one of my teachers would say) rubbish in the customer response cards given to you in restaurants? Nothing!! I always go crazy when I see the waiters coming up and giving these cards with the bill. I grab a pen and start writing down my honest views, in some other person's name obviously. But I always make sure that I give the proper address and telephone number of the person whose name I'm using. Otherwise, it's just cruel. Well anyway, I tick the "horrible" options most of the time because all these restaurants have people smoking in their invisible smoking rooms and also because the food, quite clearly, sucks. The fun part is filling up the suggestions column which is present in the card so that the restaurant can be made better. I don't care a damn about the restaurant, so I write weird letters to the owner or to whichever idiot who reads these cards.

An example:

I was born in the African jungles where was I fathered by a cheeta and mothered by an ostrich. I had a brother who was so hungry that he ate himself. The fact that I had covered him with honey helped the process a bit. My mother, the ostrich, thought that I had eaten my brother which was sad because I had only licked a bit of the honey. So she banished me from the African jungles and I went to Antarctica to cool off. There I was chased by a bear who had been frozen in a block of ice. Due to global warming the ice melted. I was combing my hair in front of the bear because I thought that the ice was a mirror. The bear thought that I was sending some signals to it and ran after me. I suggest that you do not comb your hair in front of an ice block because you may be attacked too. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Life is amazing. So, please call me because I want to discuss the complexities of the universe with you. I shall be leaving now. Till we meet again, durarambara!(which in ostrich tongue means, sod off.)

Doing these sort of things can be soooo fun, but I was caught in an iffy situation once. I had written a note making fun of the waiter's uniform and I was looking for the comments box to drop the note. Tne waiter told me that there was no comments box and grabbed the paper from me. I was immediately out of the restaurant and running for my life. My innocent friend though (he had no idea what I had written in the note)stood there in front of the waiter smiling at him waiting for a Thank You or a smile or whatever. He's pretty weird too. Anywaay, he was pretty miffed when he met me outside. The waiter had told him something quite the opposite of Thank you, more along the lines of well, say a Durarambara. He wasn't too pleased to see me rolling on the floor laughing either. He said something that sounded a lot like a Hardasasda(which in ostrich tongue means f*** off) and left angrily which made me laugh even harder.
Heh! I'm so jobless!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Les' Neuron

I was feeling incredibly bored the other day and so I thought that I would get rid of my boredom by making anagrams. For those who do not know what an anagram is, please click this link and you will be directed to Wikipedia, the best free encyclopaedia in the world who will do a better job of explaining it to you. Once you've done that come back here or else you shall suffer something so painful that you would rather watch Kolangal on Sun TV.

Here are my priceless anagrams:

1. Saddam Hussein: Asian sheds mud; Amassed Hindus; USA hands dimes

2. Sonia Gandhi: India's Hogan

3. Saurav Ganguly: Gay Naval Gurus

4.George W Bush: Whose bugger

5.Sachin Tendulkar: Clarke Hindustan (He is the Clarke Kent of India, a superman on the Cricket field-for those who do not know who Clarke Kent is, click on this link. For those who do not know who Sachin Tendulkar is, there is a wonderful place in Kilpauk where you can go and admit yourself.)

6.Tony Blair: Tiny Labor

7.Tom Cruise: I'm to curse

8.Manmohan Singh: Hangman Monish

9.Rajnikanth: I Thank Raj

10.Osama Bin Laden: Islamabad Neon

Ooops! My Cover's gone!

P.S: While I’m in hiding, post your own anagrams in the comment box if you want to or dare me to crack one. And try to crack the title of the post which happens to be an anagram too. It's quite easy!

Monday, September 05, 2005

A day in hell

Today our school celebrated Teacher's Day. A day when we students exchange places with our teachers and get a taste of the hell they go through every day. Yes, they get to play around in the field, and we the senior students have to take of the junior monkeys. I was in charge of a fourth standard class today and the kids exercised their vocal chords quite a bit during my brief stay there. The class consisted of a weird bunch of people who felt it was quite below their dignity to whisper to each other, though the class I was in was by far the quietest (you can imagine the plight of my other classmates). None of the students in my class wanted to take part in the quiz, I had enthusiastically planned for their entertainment. I had even brought my Bournvita Quiz Book : ( And to add to my woes, they kept pronouncing my name wrong. But I did manage to have some fun today. I got to use the school intercom system and see my teachers behaving like farm animals(not at the same time) . Watching them in the Adzap competition was fun too , though I did get royally snubbed in the rebuttal round by my Principal. At around 10:30 AM today, when I was in class 4"C", I suddenly felt the ground under me moving and the walls shaking. There was an incredibly audible chant of "We will, we will rock you" going around and the students started banging their tables in delight. It was total mayhem. The entire third floor was vibrating with the sound and all the students in my class ran out into the next classroom while I stood gaping at them. I felt that I had to assert my supremacy. So I went to the next class and glared at them. They suddenly stopped singing, well screaming would be a more appropriate term. There was a virtual stampede as the entire class rushed out and banged into me. All of them went back to their own classes and sat down quietly looking at me like they were these precious angels. I had had enough. So I said, "You guys are in big..." when suddenly from the intercom, "Students, please stand up for the prayer." The little rascals mumbled some incoherent rubbish you wouldn't call a prayer anywhere in this planet and as soon as the bell rang, they ran out, once again banging into me. 'Saved by the bell', I thought angrily to myself.

Kids these days have no sense of discipline. When I was their age, I was so nice to the people around me. Even if I banged into others, I would say a quick sorry before running away. I guess you have to undergo days like this in order to fully appreciate your teachers. To put it in simple words, Teachers rock!

Happy Teachers Day!!!

Friday, September 02, 2005

'Tiredness : To undergo depletion of strength, energy, spirit, interest, or patience' Yeah, tell me about it!

Ahh, yesterday was tiring. Had my computer science practicals and as soon as that got over I went off to see Mangal Pandey with 300 other school-mates in Ega theater. The day started off pretty sucky though, since I hadn't finished my computer science record and I hadn't studied for the practicals nor had I read the 148 viva questions. So it was a very weary, irritable me who woke up at 4 in the morning. I looked at the mirror and winced cos I had one more pimple on my forehead(thats three in total!) and my hair was growing so alarmingly fast that I thought that I looked like Aamir Khan in Mangal Pandey. Ironic isnt it, that I thought about that, and I happened to see that movie the same day. Well anyway, I spent 2 and a half hours with my comp book and went to school even more weary and even more irritable. I sat and finished my record in school but the unfortunate part was that I hadn't read my viva questions. So I enter the comp lab and finish my practicals in 15 minutes(had to hurry bcos one of my classmates entered during the exam and shouted out that the school was taking us to watch Mangal Pandey and all those who had finished the practicals could come). I sat down in front of the teacher ready to answer the Viva questions I hadn't studied for. I answered 3 right. Then she asked me what a primary key was. I had absolutely no idea what it was. So I tried to act clever and said "Maaaam, a primary key is .... used to open a primary lock!". My teacher didn't appreciate me being a smart alec and docked off a mark and chased me out of the room. So I was even more irritable and even more weary but I put that all behind cos I was going to watch Mangal Pandey!!

I reached Ega theater and thought, 'God!! Why did I come!!'. The theater smelt so bad, it felt as if I had entered a pig sty. The seats were probably made in 1857 and the hand rests ... well lets just say you can't rest your hand on it. I waited and waited and waited for the movie to start. After what seemed like an eternity the movie started and the whole school erupted. It was pretty funny when the students suddenly went "Uhh" when they saw the scene following the "Mangal, Mangal" song. I looked at the teachers sitting next to me with a sheepish grin and sat back thinking "Hee Hee". I'm not posting what happens cos this is a 'U' blog. Lets just say, it was more like manGAL Pandey. Okay, I know that was lame. Anway…The first half meandered along and I had no idea what the actors were saying. I seriously feel that Hindi movies should have subtitles. There didn't seem to be much about "The Rising" but more about Mangal, Gordon and the girls. After the intermission, the story sucked even more and I almost fell asleep when one of my classmates let out an ear-splitting whistle which nearly shattered my ear-drums. It was a good thing though, cos I was able to see the climax which was awesome only, I repeat only because of Aamir Khan and nothing else. Man, Aamir rocks. He was bloody brilliant. Toby Stephens was quite incredible as William Gordon but the screenplay was quite idiotic. I suggest that you see the movie only for Aamir Khan and the climax cos he is amazing in that.

So I walked out of the theater into the hot sun even more irritated and weary and slept for three hours as soon as I reached home. I woke up at 7 and saw my Chemistry teacher coming into my room. It was then that I realised exactly what Mr.Webster was saying when he wrote the word "tiredness" : (

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Sob! It's over- again!!

The play is finally over! After two months of saying, "The carnival is coming to town", my thought process has slowed down quite a bit. I'm completely exhausted but it's all worth it because the play came out well, much better than the one we did on our Founder's Day. There were some goof-ups, including one glaring one made by yours truly. I forgot to say one of my lines and realised it only when my co-stars gave me venomous glares. One heartening factor was that the audience actually laughed at a few of my lines (I'm the only serious character in the play). It was an incredibly fun experience and I had an awesome time on stage. I had some interesting experiences while I was waiting backstage too. When I put on my costume, I looked very much like a beggar and my classmates thought so too. One of the dancers, dropped a 50 paise coin in my hand and said that I looked like a bekaari, which I later found out meant beggar in Hindi. I don't know why he was so smarmy, he looked like a waiter in his white and black attire. To add to my woes my make-up made me look like the Joker in Batman and I started making dumb jokes so that people wouldn't notice my appearance. One of them was "What do you call a barbie doll, jumping up and down?..... Anju Barbie George". And that was the best one!
It was a brilliant day and will forever be etched in my memory. God, that sounded disgusting. Etched in memory, yuck! Lets just say, it was one of the best days of my life : )

P:S: I shall be posting the pictures of the play on The Society of People Who have Nothing To Do blog in a couple of days, so check that out if you have nothing to do.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Azhukkai Kaakha - The Finale!!

To read Part 3, click here

Back to the koovam shore

Hero: What is the hot substance that is falling on my head?

The audience is now shown a series of crows sitting on a tree. Azhukku immediately gets up and runs up to the aluminum box.

Apprentice: Buy Barpick- It’s a bar above the rest

Hero: ???

Apprentice: Buy Barpick- It’s a bar above the rest

Hero: I will buy Barpick if you take me to Potty-ya.

Apprentice: Okay.

Azhukku’s common sense had helped him once again. He really is a model toilet cleaner, isn’t he?

Potty-ya’s lair

Villain: Azhukku’s dead. Barpick sales will boom now!!! Hahahaha!

Apprentice: Hahahahaha

Villain: Who’s choking there? Reveal yourself.

Apprentice: It’s me boss.

Villain: Where were you, you knucklehead?

Apprentice: I was saying, “Buy Barpick- It’s a bar above the rest” in that aluminium box, just like you had asked me to. I even got you a customer!

Villain: Oh, did I hurt your feelings Tigerbaam? Where is that customer you were talking about?

Azhukku jumps over Tigerbaam and this is shown Matrix style (This is where all the money was spent).

Hero: Potty-ya! Where have you hidden Aaya?

Villain: Tigerbaam, you annoying mass of shit!!! Wait till I get my hands on you!!!

Apprentice: Sorry boss.

Hero: Where is Aaya?

Heroine: I am here (Jumps from behind Potty-ya, non-matrix style but Captain Vijaykanth style due to lack of funds).

Hero: Come to me, oh beautiful maiden.

Heroine: Azhukku you are a nice guy and all but I have decided to ditch you.

Hero: What? Why?

Heroine: Look there! (mouth hangs open).

Tigerbaam is standing in his colour changing underwear.

Heroine: Tigerbaam!!! Will you marry me?

Apprentice: Ok, I guess.

Aaya takes Tigerbaam’s hand and begins to walk out.

Hero: Aaya!!

Villain: Tigerbaam, you suck!

Apprentice: Sorry boss.

Potty-ya and Azhukku look at each other.

Hero: Potty, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Azhukku and Potty-ya smile at each other and walk off into the sun-set.

A toilet seat closes symbolising ….

The End

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Azhukkai Kaakha- Part 3

To read Part 2- click here

Back to Koovam shore

Hero: So as you just saw, I had an enemy. An enemy who had a wonderful hairdo but that was not good enough. He didn’t have any brains, or so I thought…

6 days ago

Azhukku goes to all the toilets in Chennai and invites all the toilet cleaners for a conference. He walks all around Chennai, and his fellow toilet cleaners walk in a procession behind him. All this is shown in fast forward to give more effect. We have a monkey playing the drums. No, it does not have anything to do with the movie, we just wanted a Guinness Record. Azhukku reaches the stage which he has erected in the middle of Anna Flyover so that the people who do not have place to sit on the flyover can see him from the ground.

Hero: My dear friends, I have asked you all to come here because we toilet cleaners are in grave danger. A man called Potty-ya has challenged me saying that he will make all of you use Barpic instead of Harpick.

Crowd: No! Never!

Hero: We must all stand united against this evil force.

Crowd: We will!

Hero: Ok, that’s all. Bye.

Crowd: Hey!!! What about the free samosas you promised us?

Azhukku jumps off the flyover and reaches safe landing on top of a petrol bunk when he over-hears Potty-ya talking to Tigerbaam.

Villain: This Azhukku fellow is more determined than I thought. We have to stop him.

Apprentice: What do you plan to do?

Villain: I heard that Azhukku has a girlfriend called Aaya. We can kidnap her and use her as a pawn in my evil plan. How is my idea?

Apprentice: Brilliant boss! Hahahaha! Hahahaha!

Villain: What happened? Are you choking?

Apprentice: No. That was my evil laugh.

Villain: You are quite a dimwit.

Apprentice: Sorry Boss.

Azhukku hears all this in stunned silence. He realizes that his enemy will not play fair. So he decides to marry Aaya thinking that this might somehow save her. He mimes all this out to the audience, just for extra effect.

Azhukku goes to the public toilet where Aaya is busy cleaning along with her colleagues.

Heroine: Did you come to see me?

Hero: I don’t know anyone else here… You are in grave danger right now but I feel that you will be safe if you marry me.

Heroine: You’re pretty crazy! But I’ll marry you anyway.

Hero: Yay!!

The wedding is not shown due to budget constraints. A thali symbolizing marriage is shown instead. The happily married couple now go to an aluminium box on top of a tree to celebrate their marriage. They dance to a romantic song.

“Ondra renda toiletgal,
Ellam kazhuvavae oru naal podhuma”

Next morning

Potty-ya enters the aluminium box with Tigerbaam.

Villain: Do you remember what you are supposed to say?

Apprentice: You are under arrest!

Villain: No idiot!!

Apprentice: Sorry boss.

Villain: You are supposed to say ,” Buy Barpick- It’s a bar above the rest” and after that…

Apprentice: Hahahahaha

Villain: No no don’t start choking!

Apprentice: Sorry boss.

Villain: You are supposed to move over and I will make my grand entrance.

Apprentice: Okay boss.

Potty-ya and Tigerbaam enter the bedroom… sorry bathroom, where Azhukku and Aaya are cleaning the toilets.

Apprentice: Buy Barpick- It’s a bar above the rest.

Azhukku: It’s you again!

Villain: Azhukku.

Hero: Potty-ya.

Villain: Join my side and you shall survive.

“I will survive” music track is played in the background for extra buildup.

Hero: Never! I would rather flush myself!

Music mutes.

Azhukku moves back so that he can get a running start and jump on Potty-ya. What he doesn’t realize is that there is no wall behind him (budget constraints) and he falls off. The audience now see the first scene again.

To be continued... (I swear there's only one more part)

The funniest pantomime ever and I'm in it! Tickets are being sold! What are you waiting for?

The Lady Andal Theatre Club is putting up a Play and a Pantomime on the 29th of this month which happens to be a Monday. The show starts at 7:00 PM in the Museum Theatre, Egmore. The tickets cost Rs.100 each and can be bought in the Lady Andal School which is on Harrington Road in Chetput. The programme starts off with a performance by our school band, followed by a play about the last five seconds of Mahatma Gandhi, and ends with the pantomime,Aladdin(must watch, cos I am playing Aladdin). In the picture above, I'm the guy with the snazzy blue jacket. So if you would like to see me act, you would probably enjoy the other stuff too, please buy the tickets ASAP cos they are selling like hot cakes. Why do hotcakes sell so fast? Well anyway, please do come to our pantomime and I assure you that you will have loads of fun!

If you have any queries please post them in the comments box.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Azhukkai Kaakha- Part 2

To read part 1, click here

Back to the koovam shore

Hero: Ahh, Aaya took my breath away-literally! She was the person I needed in my life. That special woman who would make my life ... uhhh.. ahh yes, special! Then one day, something happened, something that made me realise how much I loved Aaya.

9 and a half days ago

Our hero is standing guard outside a public toilet when he sees the heroine walking towards him.

Heroine: Hello Azhukku!

Hero: Long time, no see.

Heroine: Stupid! It is A-B-C !

Hero: Uhhh

Heroine: I was cleaning the toilet in Cafe Coffee Day when I saw you through the ventilator window. Do you want to (blushes) clean with me?

Hero: (Blushes) I would love to, but I can't. The Chief Minister is coming this way and he makes his routine toilet stop here. I have to make sure that no one pollutes this toilet. Duty calls.

Heroine: Well okay then. I will miss you.

Suddenly an ONYX lorry coming that way crashes into Aaya who hits an ONYX dust bin, flies up and falls into the garbage in the ONYX lorry. Azhukku looks at this in horrified silence. The lorry does not stop. Azhukku begins to run after the lorry. All this is shown in slow motion. Azhukku leaps into the garbage and manages to catch hold of Aaya.

Hero: Oh Aaya! Don’t leave me. I must not cry. I will not cry.

Hero cries

Heroine: Hey! You’re ruining my punch dialogue for the climax! Stop crying.

Hero: I’m not. It must be the effect of these rotten onions. Don’t leave me Aaya!

Aaya is admitted in GH. She survives and there is a close-up shot of Azhukku hugging the Harpic bottle in joy. The audience goes Awww.

Back to koovam shore

Hero: Everything was working for me and I couldn’t have been happier when disaster struck. This is how it happened.

7 days ago

Hero: Life is so beautiful! So so beautiful! Oh I’m so…
Hey! You there! What are you doing! Get away from my toilet!

The man tries to run but Azhukku holds on to his lungi.

Hero: You’ve been cleaning my toilet with Barpick!!! You scoundrel!

Azhukku punches the man. The man quite cleverly takes of his lungi and makes his escape. Like in older films, where the Sari of the heroine changes colour in the fantasy songs, the colour of the man’s underwear is shown changing as he runs away from Azhukku. Azhukku looks at the underwear in amazement and stands transfixed. By the time, Azhukku comes back to his senses, the man catches a share auto, haggles and escapes.

Hero: What kind of an ass cleans toilets with Barpick!!!

Villain: I do! (Villain is a thin man with a mop on his head making him look evil)

Hero: Who are you?

Villain: I am the boss of Tigerbaam, the man you just slapped.

Hero: You’re the boss of that git.

Villain: Yes, I am. My name is Potty-ya. I am a Barpick door-to-door salesman and my apprentice was just giving you a demo when you slapped him.

Hero: Anyone who uses Barpick is an idiot and I’ll slap you too if you don’t run away now.

Villain: So you want to be my enemy. You are going to pay for this. I shall soon make Chennai buy only Barpick!

Hero: Never!!!!

To be continued...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Azhukkai Kaakha- Part 1

The camera pans around and we see an aluminium box on top of a tree. Surrounding the tree is a vast, black, koovam river. We get a close-up shot of a buffalo which is bathing in the river. The buffalo winks. Suddenly the aluminium box gets shattered and a thin man with a broom clutched tightly in his hand is thrown out and falls into the river. The underwater camera shows our hero lying on the excreta bed very visibly unconscious. The camera now turns to the 5 rupee watch on his hand and we look at the magnificence of this scene with great awe. Suddenly, our hero is woken up by a shabbily dressed lady who has a phenol bottle in her hand. He begins to run behind her and we have our first song.

"Uyirin Uyire, Uyirin Uyire
Azhukkin madhiyil kathu kidhakindraen
Karuppu alaigal azhukkai vari mugathil iraithum
muzhutum vaerkindraen"

Our hero finishes this dream sequence and wakes up realizing that all this time he was being licked by the water bufffalo. The buffalo winks at him and he runs away in fright and collapses on the koovam shore. Flashback begins.

Hero: My name is Azhukku Selvan, TCS. TCS - Toilet Cleaning Service. I have encountered several problems in my life and this is my latest predicament. I shall take you back to the day I met the love of my life.

Ten days ago

Hero: My life is so boring. Everyday I only clean toilets. My only friend is this Harpic bottle. I feel like...

(Our heroine walks past with a bottle of phenol in her hand and our hero starts singing)

Hero: She is very dirty, sh nana nana oh oh
Is a friend of typhoid, sh nana nana oh oh
Now now she's a mystery,sh nana nana oh oh
Fills your head with nausea, sh nana nana oh oh
Oah oah yeah yeah hey
Lala lala la

Oru ooril azhakae uruvai orutti irundhalae
Azhukkikku ilakkanam ezhutha avalum pirandhalae
Aval kazhuvum vidangalai paarkayilae
Pala varudham paritchayam poalirikkum
Eppozhutum vaandhi enakku varum, avalai parthalae
Mudhalam parvayilae, Mudhal Mudhal parvayilae
Vaandhi eduthaenae

Heroine blushes

Hero: When you blush, the colour of your skin matches the 45000th colour on that RMKV saree.

Heroine: So sweet of you.

Hero: What is that smell? Do use any special perfume?

Heroine: Oh yes. It is called Putrid.

Hero: A fragrance that lives up to its name! Oh splendid woman, what do you call yourself?

Heroine mumbles quietly.

Hero: Maya! What a beautiful name!

Heroine: Not Maya, Aaya.

Hero: Even better! I am Azhukku Selvan TCS.

Heroine: You work in Tata Consultancy Services!

Hero: No, Toilet Cleaning Services. Where do you work?

Heroine: I am a freelance toilet cleaner.

Hero: So do you use Harpic to clean toilets?

Heroine: Nothing can beat Phenol.... I have to go now. Toilets don't clean themseleves, do they?

Hero: I don't think so.

Heroine: Bye.

Hero: Oh bye.

(The heroine's hair brushes the hero's face as she walks past him. The hero falls down unconscious).

To be continued...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


I was playing Cricket 2005 on the comp when I heard this advertisement being shown on Zee English.
It began with a footage from Friends:

Ross to his daughter Emma:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face

Oh Emma, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Oh, I made you laugh!

Footage ends.

Voice over: Show your children that you care. Be a good father. Protect your child by getting insurance...

So all you fathers out there, sing "Baby Got Back" to your children and be a person your child can look up to and of course be sure to insure.

God! Advertisements are crap these days!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Happy Independence Day!

This post is one day late but the sentiments remain the same.

Thamizha Thamizha- Vairamuthu:

thamizha thamizha naalai nam naalae
thamizha thamizha naadum nam naadae
en veedu thaai tamil nadu endrae sollada
en naamam indian endrae endrum nillada
thamizha thamizha naalai nam naalae
thamizha thamizha naadum nam naadae

nilam maaralaam kunam ondru dhaan
idam maaralaam nilam ondru dhaan
mozhi maaralaam porul ondru dhaan
kali maalalaam kodi ondru dhaan
thisai maaralaam nilam ondru dhaan
isai maaralaam mozhi ondru dhaan
nam India motham ondru dhaan vaa...

thamizha thamizha kangaL kalangaadhey
vidiyum vidiyum ullam mayangaadhey
thamizha thamizha kangaL kalangaadhey
vidiyum vidiyum ullam mayangaadhey
unakkullae indhiya raththam undaa illaiya
ondraana bharatham unnai kaakkum illaiya
thamizha thamizha naalai nam naalae
thamizha thamizha naadum nam naadae

Could there ever be better lyrics for a song?

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I watched The Fallen, woe is me!

I went to see "The Fallen", which was a part of the Metro Plus Theater Festival, day before yesterday in the Sivagami Petachi auditorium. I had Chemistry tuition that day, so I cut the class hoping that that this rock opera would be more enjoyable. I was proved incredibly wrong. "The Fallen" was supposed to depict the long-winding and incredibly boring journey of a loser of a fellow, christened Adam, and his feelings about God, played by a Bharatanatyam dancer (I am not joking). It would have been a really good show if it hadn't been for the stupid storyline and the even more horrible lyrics. Some of the classic ones were,” Darkness engulfs me, like a great black sea/ Pain and Misery, woe is me, woe, woe woe is me”.
The dancers were brilliant to say the least and the musicians were pretty awesome. It seemed like Michael Muthu, the director cum scriptwriter, had written the lines for a play and not for a rock show. The actors had to somehow sing out words like "psychotropic substances". Then there was this pretty weird scene, right after the lead actor has had his intake of 'psychotropic substances', where there are these little hyperactive kids(were they on drugs too?) who bring out these slides and fake ice-creams and start jumping about while the protoganist moves around bumping into them smiling and singing. I was so shocked by the weirdness of this scene that I left the auditorium.

It was painful to watch this awful offering from the Boardwalkers as it was very unlike their previous play "The Bible Abridged" which was pretty enjoyable. The only thing that kept me awake was the complementary Red Bull and the Bru Malabar coffee(has 10% chickery) I had had before the show. I do not know what happens at the end,cos I left early, but I won't be surprised if the last lines of the 'The Fallen' went like this,

"Oh, Adam you have succumbed to evil enticements,
You have shown that you could not stand up to your inner reservations,
You bumped into tiny younglings,
You have an impenetrable heart locked by an iron key,
So come with me, the Almighty, the one who has no care for psychotropic substances,
And we shall sail into the New world, a world full of lavishness, opulence and sumptuousness,
For I am the saviour of all the cadaverous and withered beings,
So come with me Adam,…”

At this point, a disgruntled audience member shoots God. God shouts out, “Woe is me” and falls down. The audience rejoice.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm Published!!

My blog post, "My first motorcycle ride", was published today in the Hyderabad Chronicle. I had asked the Chronicle guys not to publish my post in the Chennai Chronicle due to some... uhh past problems. Lets not discuss that now. The important fact is that my article got published! In Hyderabad! Yay! I'm a published blogger! Yay! If you want to see the published post, click here. Yay!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Computerji, please lock the answer

AB: Hello and welcome to Kaun Banega Crorepati 2. This time the show is bigger and better and we're giving away a maximum of 2 crore ruppees! Without further adieu, lets get on with the show. To decide who comes to the hot seat, we hill play "Fastest Finger First". Whoever gets the answer correct in the shortest time possible will get to play KBC 2 with me. First let me introduce the contestants.

"Mucus Mather from Kolkata" (Mucus Mather starts digging his nose)

"Iveghotta Pyss fom Haryana" (Iveghotta Pyss starts .... ahem to look uncomfortable)

"Whasthat Shmell from Kerala" (Whasthat Shmell looks at Iveghotta Pyss with disgust)

"Wheresthe Water from Chennai" (Wheresthe Water's tongue hangs out as he looks at Iveghotta Pyss")

"Chandra Mukhi from Vijayanagar" (Chandra Mukhi starts rolling her eyes)

"Bhalding Hed from Bangalore" (Bhalding Hed combs his ... scalp profusely)

Please give the contestants a big hand. Thank you, thank you. Now lets go and play Fastest Finger First. Cmon!

Arrange these letters in alphabetical order:
A) A
B) B
C) C
D) D

Your time's up. Now lets see who is the winner. Uhh, no correct answer... Well, then the person who got the wrong answer in the shortest time gets to sit on the hot seat. And that person is
IVEGHOTTA PYSS from Haryana! Give it up from him.

(Iveghotta Pyss trudges his way towards the Hot Seat as security guards hold on to Wheresthe Water who apparently is feeling very thirsty.)

So Iveghotta Pyss, you've made it to the hot seat!

IP: This seat doesn't feel too hot.

AB: What will you use the money for if you win?

IP: I plan to build a restaurant.

AB: What are you going to call it?

IP: Pyssa Hut

AB: Guess you won’t have any problem with the plumbing (No one laughs).Shall we start KBC 2?

IP: Okay.

AB: Are you excited?

IP: (looking really pained) Will you bloody get on with it?

AB: You seem uncomfortable. Do you want some water?

IP: If I have any more water, the Hot Seat will become a Wet seat.

AB: Uhh.. Okay then. Your first question is

Who is the current Prime Minister of India?
A) Manmohan Singh B) Sachin Tendulkar

C) Sanmohan Mingh D) Tachin Sendulkar

IP: Why such a tough question? I dont know the answer,

AB: You can use your lifelines.

IP: Give me 50-50.

AB: 50-50? Hmmm (scratches his beard). Okay two answer choices have been removed.

A)Manmohan Singh

D) Tachin Sendulkar

IP: Inky Pinky Ponky Father had a donkey, Father died donkey cried, Inky Pinky Ponky. Answer is A.

AB: Are you sure?

IP: Yesss...

AB: Confident?

IP: Yesss...

AB: Shall I lock the answer?

IP: Do you want me to slap you?

AB: Uhhh… You are right. The answer is A) Manmohan Singh. You have won Rs.1000.

IP: Next question...

AB: For Rs. 3000

In which movie did the song "Kaho Naa Pyar Hai" come?
A) Kuch Kuch Hota Hai B) Kaho Naa Pyar Hai

C) Kisna D) Kaal

IP: What is wrong with you? Give me some easy questions kno? I want audience poll.

AB: Okay audience, it looks like Iveghotta Pyss needs your help. Please use the high tech fancy gadget in front of you and select what you think is the right answer.

Iveghotta Pyss, the audience poll result is as follows:

A)Kuch Kuch Hota Hai 0% B)Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai 100%

B)Kisna 0% D)Kaal 0%

IP: Its tough. But I’ll go with (closes his eyes and points his finger on the screen) B!

AB: Are you su..( AB looks at IP's stare and ..) So computerji lock the answer. You are right. The answer is B.

IP: Good.

AB: Sing that song for us now. It isn't good enough for you to give only the right answer(Smiles)

IP: If you don’t get on with the show, I’ll shave your beard.

AB: Whats the hurry, Iveghotta Pyss? In fact, we will take a commercial break right now. Viewers stay tuned.

Commercial break: Kajaria Tiles-Man has an affair with his floor;

AB: Welcome back. Iveghotta Pyss is on the hot seat and he’s made Rs.3000 so far. Mr.Pyss, I though I would ask you this question before we move on to the serious stuff. You don’t get any money for this, but this question has been troubling me for quite some time. “What came first, the chicken or the egg?”(Smiles cunningly)

IP: Arey stupid fool, whatever you ordered first came first.

AB: Oh. Ok, your next question for Rs.5000 is

What is the minimum age required for a person to vote?

A)19 B)17

C)20 D)18

IP: Oh God. I want to call my brother.

AB: You are using the Call A Friend lifeline. What is your brother’s name?

IP: Bladdher Phull.

AB makes the phone call.

AB: Hello? Bladdher Phull?

BP: Yes.

AB: This is Amitabh Bachchan and your brother needs your help to answer a question.

IP: Hello Bladdher, what is the minimum age required for a person to vote?
BP: I don’t know. I’ve never voted before.

IP: Ok, bye.

AB: So Iveghotta Pyss, whats your ans…

This telecast has been stopped because Iveghotta Pyss has been attacked by Wheresthe Water. We are sorry for the inconvenience. We will now be showing you the documentary, “The Preparation of Ethoxy Ether” hosted by Diana Hayden. We are sorry for the inconvenience.